I miss my best friend

Quoting: dannyboy

Unless I'm mistaken, your implying that I want to go back to the relationship. Perhaps a part of me does, but its not possible because I am dating a new person and the same problems that pressured me into ending that relationship at the time would still exist.Part of me hopes we will be together again in the future, but not at this point in time.

dannyboyThreads: 24 Posts: 298 Joined: Feb 15, 07	Nov 6, 07, 10:11 / #
Most of you probably don't remember me. Anyway, unfortunately I separated from my fiancee in September. My life has been a bit of a mess since then. I was I who decided to split as her son came to live with us for a month and the pressure on the relationship was unbearable in my eyes, coupled with an 8 year age difference and a couple of other things. I was just about starting to get good at Polish and was having full conversations with her mother. Now I'm slowly forgetting Polish and since I've been learning Russian, I get confused at times, but I still try to speak Polish at the gym whenever I get a chance. I still love her to bits and care about her/want to protect her, but equally I realised I simply wasn't ready for so much commitment and responsibility at 24 years of age. I would love to talk with her just once to know how she is. She told me she loved me so much that she would never be able to speak to me again because it would kill her to see me with another person. But god damn, I miss her. Do you think there is any chance for us to be friends in the future? How do Polish women normally do this? We lived together for 3 years and had only become engaged before I ended it.

BubbaWooThreads: 46 Posts: 4,438 Joined: Sep 26, 06	Nov 6, 07, 10:20 / #
hi dannyboy nothing you have said in your post suggests to me that you cant be friends in the future... unless the 'couple of other things' were a little more serious than they sound... i also get the impression that the split was a gut reaction to pressure... which is understandable but sounds maybe a little drastic as you both obviously have strong feelings for each other get in touch with her and see what happens...

starchildThreads: 2 Posts: 136 Joined: Aug 24, 07	Nov 6, 07, 11:08 / #
I think you have to consider how hard this must have been for her.. because she never wanted to split, so I can understand her saying that she can't be friends with you. I said exactly the same to my ex. I do have to see him because we have children together, but I wish I could just get on with life without him. If it were an option to not see him again then it is what I would do. Some people do manage to be friends, but it is my opnion that this doesn't happen often. It's a sad situation for both of you :-(

RanjThreads: 27 Posts: 1,286 Joined: Sep 29, 06	Nov 6, 07, 11:26 / #
If you honestly just want to be friends with her, than you need to respect her wishes and not contact her.....she needs time to heal from the heartbreak. Not that you can't ever be friends, but the wound is too fresh for that to happen right now. If on the other hand, you realize your life is a mess without her, maybe you could reconsider getting back with her and facing your fears of committment. Weigh the pros and cons. Make a decision before you contact her, though.....no need to toy with her emotions if all you are going to do is break her heart again. Good luck!

krysiaThreads: 26 Posts: 3,604 Joined: Aug 10, 06	Nov 6, 07, 11:34 / #
Quoting: dannyboy How do Polish women normally do this? 1. Either completly forget about the guy, getting rid of all pictures and blocking the memmory to end that chapter in life and go one, or 2. Still have hope that in time things will be different and there will be a chance to be together again but need time to be apart and sort things out.

miranda	Edited by: miranda Nov 6, 07, 11:44 / #
Danny, you left her and now you want to be friends. I am not sure if your motives are genuine. It sounds a little self-centered to me:' I miss my friend" But, on the other hand she might have moved on and is dating somebody else, who is not afraid of commitment, who knows. I am sure that is OK with you, because you just want to be "friends".

BubblesThreads: 1 Posts: 190 Joined: Aug 13, 07	Nov 6, 07, 11:52 / #
I can truly feel your pain Dannyboy. I am not polish, but I will give you my female perspective if you would like it. My guy and i broke up not to long ago due to the same type of situtauion. Pressure more than anything else. It was total heart break for me. I had a hard time even functioning. I really did think I was going to die. Anyway he contacted me not to long ago just cause he missed me, we are speaking and our friendship is closer than ever. I will be honest we haven't had THE discussion over why things ended and I am kind of reluctant to as it hurts way to much. However he is my best friend and I am thankful to have him in my life again. And who knows. No breath holding here though. I would contact her without any expectations... just a friendly hello and see where it goes. If she is that hurt, it might not go the way you want, but then at least you know you tried. Best of luck to you and I hope the heart heals soon. :-D

szkotja2007Threads: 38 Posts: 2,544 Joined: Dec 29, 06	Nov 6, 07, 14:27 / #
Quoting: dannyboy I separated from my fiancee in September It isn't that long ago in the greater scheme of things, although for you it probably seems ages. Give her a call, see what happens.

LucyndaThreads: 4 Posts: 89 Joined: Sep 18, 07	Nov 6, 07, 23:01 / #
I agree with everyone. Give her a call. But make clear your intentions -- that you just want to be friends -- or you may hurt her all over again. She's probably feeling pretty mistrusting of you right now. Good luck!

dannyboyThreads: 24 Posts: 298 Joined: Feb 15, 07	Nov 7, 07, 06:01 / #
Thanks for all the replies. Bubba, the other minor things are big things really, but on the scale of things they are minor I suppose. They include stuff like my lack of experience, differences in sex drive etc. Bubbles, I sent her 2 emails last week, one on Monday and one on Thursday. But she did not answer either of them. She was speaking with my sister on Saturday, they have maintained their friendship. Its our 3 year anniversary on the 11th of November, do you think it would be wrong to call her? Miranda, Before, maybe a month ago, I had hoped that she would move on and find someone. Now I don't really know what I feel. I certainly wouldn't hold it against her if she found a new boyfriend if thats what you mean. Only lately I started realising how good we were together and how much I love her - when it was too late of course. Unless I'm mistaken, your implying that I want to go back to the relationship. Perhaps a part of me does, but its not possible because I am dating a new person and the same problems that pressured me into ending that relationship at the time would still exist. Part of me hopes we will be together again in the future, but not at this point in time.

miranda	Edited by: miranda Nov 7, 07, 06:12 / #
Quoting: dannyboy Unless I'm mistaken, your implying that I want to go back to the relationship. Perhaps a part of me does, but its not possible because I am dating a new person and the same problems that pressured me into ending that relationship at the time would still exist.Part of me hopes we will be together again in the future, but not at this point in time. I got that impression form you. If you are dating somebody else right now, then you are trying to move on. I think that in order to respect her wishes and her as a person you should not stop her form moving on, that means not contacting her and bringing back the memories. I have had such experiance myself in the past and even though the person didn't want to be with me, he still wanted to be friends. I have friends and being friends with the ex is OK for some people, but not for me, because it is difficult to forget the hurtful past and pretend to be OK with it. If you have nothing to offer her right now, then live and let her live.

dannyboyThreads: 24 Posts: 298 Joined: Feb 15, 07	Nov 7, 07, 06:40 / #
It sucks because she was my best friend for 3 years and nearly my wife. And now I can't even see her. :-( But perhaps you are right. When I think about meeting my new GF's parents in December, it feels like treachary to my ex. My ex's parents feel like my family. Its totally fcuked up. I was drinking on Saturday night and I had to go into the toilets to cry (I practically never cry) because I've fallen for this new girl, but I still love my ex to bits, just the circumstances are too different between us. Its just my luck that I'd find (what at the moment seems like) the love of my life in the first serious relationship I have. >:-(

MufasaThreads: 24 Posts: 445 Joined: Oct 21, 07	Nov 7, 07, 06:46 / #
Quoting: dannyboy I was drinking on Saturday night and I had to go into the toilets to cry (I practically never cry) because I've fallen for this new girl, but I still love my ex to bits, just the circumstances are too different between us. Decide what youwant my friend! Then know that every kind of sport has its injuries. What's going on at the moment is not fair to either of the girls. Good luck ;)

miranda	Edited by: miranda Nov 7, 07, 06:49 / #
Quoting: Mufasa Decide what youwant my friend! Then know that every kind of sport has its injuries. What's going on at the moment is not fair to either of the girls. Good luck ;) agree- it is time to do the reality check even though it might be painful. Best wishes.

sapphireThreads: 28 Posts: 1,418 Joined: Dec 7, 06	Nov 7, 07, 06:50 / #
sorry to hear your story.. heartbreak is terrible, even if it is you who made the decision. From a female perspective, I agree with Miranda.. if it were me I would not want to see you as a friend, at least for a long time, if at all. Time is a great healer and when you have both moved on emotionally maybe you can rekindle the friendship side, but in the meantime if you are unable to offer her anything else then I would keep well away until she feels ready to see you again as you both need time for the hurt to subside.

RanjThreads: 27 Posts: 1,286 Joined: Sep 29, 06	Nov 7, 07, 06:57 / #
Quoting: sapphire if you are unable to offer her anything else then I would keep well away until she feels ready to see you again as you both need time for the hurt to subside. Exactly.....you said it yourself, you are hoping maybe one day you might get back together.....that's not fair to anyone involved. You are wanting to keep her in your life, while you move on with yours, in hopes that if things don't work out with someone else, then she will be there to fall back on.....you are absolutely right, you are too young for serious commitment and responsibility. Leave your ex alone and let her move on (trust me, she cannot do that if you are calling her and emailing her). If you truly love her, you will do what is best for her and leave her alone.

Guest	Nov 7, 07, 07:14 / #
I can’t believe this you are little tiny winy guy with no balls ! A Man would never behave like that -I would love to smack you on your head with big rolling pin YOU DESERVE IT! From Your post I understand that , you had 3 year relationship with a beautiful Polish girl who is 8 yrs older than you , and has a son , That girl took you into her family , trusted you with her life and her son’s life and at the sign of commitment you RUN! because you think you are too good for her and you haven’t experienced enough girls in your life BUT you still want to be friends ??? ! You do not deserve that girl . Believe me karma will get you ! And I sincerely hope she will find someone who really loves her , not like you – you just love yourself.

LucyndaThreads: 4 Posts: 89 Joined: Sep 18, 07	Nov 7, 07, 13:15 / #
Dannyboy, You actually sound like a loving guy. I'm sure your feelings for both your ex and your new girl are genuine. But you do realise that it's easier to love when you don't know someone that well -- it's harder to maintain a long-term relationship. Although you're young now, you will have to deal with that fact at some level. I think perhaps it's best for most men if they date someone who is slightly younger or their own age. I think the age difference is too much for a lot of guys when they start thinking about getting serious. I didn't know you had a new girl -- so I change my advice. Move on. Don't contact your former girlfriend. If you really love her, you'll let her go -- maybe even pray that she finds the right man in her life that she and her son need.

dannyboyThreads: 24 Posts: 298 Joined: Feb 15, 07	Nov 7, 07, 20:44 / #
Thank you again for your replies everyone, your advice has been very helpful. I've decided that as much as it hurts me, I will not contact her, because I may simply end up hurting her more than I already have. I assure you that I'm very serious and committed to this new girl I've been seeing. My ex is certainly not a fall back measure, I'm guess I'm just facing up to the fact that I will not be having a child with her as it was something I always looked forward to. And I miss her like hell. Lucynda, I agree with what you said and i defintely understand it. This new girl is younger than me and I feel 10 years younger myself and a lot more free. Guest, I'm not sure if your post was supposed to be inflammatory or not, but it was actually quite helpful because I stopped and thought about what you said, and remembered some of the reasons when we split up. If I had no balls, I would have never broken from her despite how much it hurts. I didn't run, I looked after her as best I could when we split (it broke me financially). We were serious for a very long time. It wasn't just lack of experience with girls, it was my lack of experience with everything in life. I was working since I left college and didn't experience much of anything else. We were like an old married couple. When we would go to Poland, we could never do anything - even go for a drink- because she would have to spend time with her son. I was working 2jobs, sometimes she had no job. We tried for most of our relationship to save to buy a house but got nowhere really. There was huge pressure with her ex in Poland for a reason I cannot disclose out of respect to her. I should stop but I'm sure you get the picture.

krysiaThreads: 26 Posts: 3,604 Joined: Aug 10, 06	Nov 7, 07, 21:05 / #
Quoting: dannyboy We were like an old married couple And there was your problem. You had no fun anymore.

dannyboyThreads: 24 Posts: 298 Joined: Feb 15, 07	Nov 8, 07, 05:13 / #
Quoting: krysia Quoting: dannyboy We were like an old married couple And there was your problem. You had no fun anymore. precisely

BubblesThreads: 1 Posts: 190 Joined: Aug 13, 07	Nov 8, 07, 11:15 / #
Quoting: dannyboy Its our 3 year anniversary on the 11th of November, do you think it would be wrong to call her? Yikes........... what are your intentions here? If you want to be friends you should be friends and not confuse her anymore. However I kind of get the impression that you miss her deeply. (I understand I really do.) But wanting to call her because it is your anniversary definetly sends a different message. Love just sucks sometimes. I don't have the answer. I just know that anymore there are more misserable days than good. It almost makes you not want to open your heart to anyone Sorry, I am just having a tough day today. Call her!!! You need to for your own piece of mind!!! Good Luck!!