Polish Travel
Rozpocznaj proces zapłonu.
Dziesięć
Dziewięć
Osiem
Główny silnik: włączony.
Siedem
Sześć
Pięć
Są kanapki i herbata? Są.
Cztery
Trzy
Dwa
Jeden
Wznosimy się! Wznosimy się!
The moons of Jupiter and Saturn seemed like obvious choices. Why anyone had thought of Mars or the moon would be a mystery if it wasn’t for the fact that they were Americans, Russians, Chinese and so on. The satellites of these gas giants are of a similar size to the Earth, mostly made of rocky material, unlike the planets around which they orbit, and more importantly: are not situated directly between two often belligerent neighbours: Sweden and the Czech Republic.
Nowadays, the bases seem so antiquated and naïve like disco polo, the Fiat 126p or learning English. The top scientists have all moved on, as have the rich kids, the jet set and the intrepid explorers. Nice for those who want a quiet life with nice views of Jupiter and Io and Saturn’s rings.
“Nice story, Eugeniusz. But we need to break out of this orbit. We are being drawn ever closer to this mysterious object. It is happening slowly right now, but we are gradually accelerating and we need to escape.”
“We need to think, but we need to think laterally. Remember when we landed on that asteroid made entirely of bigos?”
Kunegunda, the beautiful, intelligent scientist thought for a moment. “We had to eat the whole thing so that our landing wouldn’t upset the entire gravitational field of the solar system, yet simultaneously shifting our own orbit to send us safely onto a particular part of a nearby moon.
Eugeniusz shuddered at the thought, despite having spent years of his life exploring deeper into space than anyone ever before him, encountering untold dangers. “I still have conflicting memories of our time on Mare Inebris, the only moonscape named as a sea, but that is also literally a sea... of vodka.”
“Was.”
The crew spoke of food and the ship’s dog thought of food. The crew didn’t need to mention food for this to happen. Puszek, the ship’s very own owczarek podhalański did have quite a powerful mind which could be turned to a wide variety of complex tasks, although always of his own choice and often with food as the central theme. He padded quietly over to the vending machine.
“We could try reversing the polarity of the osnowa drive’s rotational gubbins generator,” Kunegunda pondered. “And use it to give the ship a sudden strong kick at a particular angle that may just change our orbit for the better. We may have to scrape ourselves off the wall afterwards, but maybe that’s our best hope.”
Eugeniusz thought of the last time he had needed flaki for breakfast following a heavy night. “I’m prepared to risk it. But maybe we could only generate enough energy if we took additional power from the contents of the food vending machine.”
The small but dedicated team set to work immediately. Jadwiga rewired the auxiliary connector on the food dispenser, Gerwazy set out a magnetic-optic induction loop between that and the ship’s main drive. Eugeniusz leant on a shovel whilst rolling a cigarette and complaining humourously about the low wages, and Kunegunda programmed the sequence on the main console. Puszek padded up to the vending machine and sat down before it with his tongue hanging out.
The crew took their seats and initiated countdown.
Three
...
Two
...
O
...
N
... “Bigos please.” barked the dog.
E
...
BANG
Splutter
Fizz
Silence.
Silence, followed by the quiet sound of a dog eating in the distance.
“Nothing happened!” exclaimed Gerwazy.
“No. Something happened, but what?” said Kunegunda.
The crew were still all stuck to their seats from the anticipation of the ship being sent into a form of mayhem they knew they might not survive.
Eugeniusz read something from the display on the central control. “It seems that the power was reversed not from the ship’s peripherals...”
“The food machine.” interjected Jadwiga.
“The power didn’t go to the engine, but something drew it away from the engine and to the...”
“The food machine.” interjected Jadwiga again.
There was a pause.
“Where’s the dog?” said Kunegunda, just as a low rumbling sound began to permeate the room. The noise began to grow and expand and deepen and strengthen more and more.
Puszek had never felt anything like it in his belly. He couldn’t believe his own digestive system could cause the whole ship to quake. His whole fluffy white body seemed to be inflating. The pressure built up and up until it was unbearable. Worse than unbearable. Then suddenly,
THE DOG FARTED LIKE NO DOG HAS EVER FARTED BEFORE.
It blasted a hole through the airlock, straight out into the open cosmos beyond the ship’s metre thick metal walls and into eternity. The fart was deafening. Its blast of such awesome power. The ship was sent into a violent spin. Crew and dog clung on for dear life, yet the violence of the ship’s rotation, rotation upon rotation, strew everyone and everything in all directions around the cabin like they were hit by a tidal wave in a hurricane.
Puszek regained conciousness. All was still. He found Kunegunda and licked her face until she too came round. He wondered if Kunegunda would help him with all the face-licking that needed to be done, but she was no help. She simply climbed to her feet and gazed at what was left of the display screen on the central console.
“We’re free!” she exclaimed. “We have left the orbit of that... thing... that was drawing us in, seemingly with no possibility of escape, but we did it!” She looked at the dog, who now seemed to be making sure his own backside and genitals had regained full consciousness. “We did it!”
Eugeniusz too scrambled up off the floor and looked at the display. “And what we escaped from was... a MacDonald’s burger?” he said incredulously.
“Big k**** mac!”
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