I met English man -he is perfect but doesnt have job -what to do?

rich55:

Thank you Lalka! The more you tell me about your man the more he sounds like my best friend from my late-teens and twenties. He never had a 'proper' job because he was 'artistic' (designed clothes) but he never really committed himself to it absolutely, which, with his financial naivity, meant that he slipped into the situation of letting his girlfriend support them both for many years.

If he had spent every waking moment trying to make his dream come true I would not criticise him; but he became comfortable with someone else taking responsibility for paying his way through life and in the end his artistic nature became just an excuse for not working. Is your partner continually working hard to achieve his dream? While you are out working is he 'working' at becoming successful in his chosen area? If not, he is deceiving you; and worse, he is deceiving himself.

lalkaThreads: 2 Posts: 8 Joined: May 29, 09	Aug 12, 09, 16:17 / #
we get along so well ,and everything is sooo lovely but he doesnt have a job is 13 years older then me (I am 29) ...funny enough -I have found job in his country and he can not? He is well educated so it is hard for me to understand ... I feel terrible if I have to pay for meals but otherwise we wouldnt eat at all ... I dont know what to do -he is very decent man just I guess dont like to work really whats the point of going into this? on the other hand -if we are so great -why is this a problem? how to tell him politely that I cant afford to pay for everything ???I dont want him to get use to the situation ,rich a comfort zone with me.... every advice is greatly appreciated I am mad ,cause I found man I was looking for for ages but ...he is a lazy bastard lol

aphrodisiacThreads: 22 Posts: 3,998 Joined: Apr 15, 09	Aug 12, 09, 16:20 / #
lalka: I am mad ,cause I found man I was looking for for ages but ...he is a lazy bastard lol :)

strawberryThreads: - Posts: 8 Joined: Jun 18, 09	Aug 12, 09, 16:34 / #
Its very hard to find a job now, give him a chance, he is not responsible for the recession. Maybe one day the table will turn and he may find a good job and take care of you.

mvefaThreads: 11 Posts: 972 Joined: Jul 21, 09	Aug 12, 09, 16:37 / #
doesn't he get unemployment-salary or such?

lalkaThreads: 2 Posts: 8 Joined: May 29, 09	Aug 12, 09, 17:13 / #
many thanks

rich55Threads: 3 Posts: 67 Joined: Jul 27, 09	Aug 12, 09, 17:41 / #
Is he looking for work?...or does he seem comfortable not working? If he isn't seriously looking for work I would be worried about his attitude to you and whether he would be committed to a partnership in which you are equals in everything including paying the bills. I have met plenty of men like this and know one now who does not work because he has not been offered work to match his qualifications. I have a degree but I have done plenty of menial jobs in my life to pay the rent and pay for food and have never thought I am too good to accept such work; when you have children and a mortgage etc you cannot have the luxury of choosing whether to work or not and I don't think you should allow your partner this luxury now. Differences in personality can enhance a relationship but differences over what is a fundamental attitude to life will only mean unhappiness for you in the future. I know this sounds blunt but I have seen women stick with men who have this attitude and it has never ended happily; never. You will find plenty of men who will value a relationship enough to contribute equally to it in every way. Good luck Lalka.

lalkaThreads: 2 Posts: 8 Joined: May 29, 09	Aug 12, 09, 18:00 / #
Rich55 ( what a lovely nick name ..wish I can tell this about my man lol) I am delighted to hear from you ..I really appreciate your advice/opinion ...especially ,you have really put an effort . I need my eyes to be open ... well ,he is an artististic soul who is still chasing dreams ( for 15 years ) and he is afraid that real career will pass him by if he will get an ordinary job .We dont live together -actually we just met ...but I feel annoyed that I pay for meals as he is broke then again if I will walk away cause he doesnt have job -wouldnt that make me bad person???awwwww Rich55 -you are fantastic man!

gumishuThreads: 17 Posts: 3,943 Joined: Apr 6, 09	Aug 12, 09, 18:19 / #
why don't you bring him home to Poland and make him search for a job as native speaker - if he is educated he will surely cope with that

aphrodisiacThreads: 22 Posts: 3,998 Joined: Apr 15, 09	Aug 12, 09, 18:23 / #
lalka: I will walk away cause he doesnt have job -wouldnt that make me bad person???awwwww no

rich55Threads: 3 Posts: 67 Joined: Jul 27, 09	Aug 12, 09, 18:46 / #
Thank you Lalka! The more you tell me about your man the more he sounds like my best friend from my late-teens and twenties. He never had a 'proper' job because he was 'artistic' (designed clothes) but he never really committed himself to it absolutely, which, with his financial naivity, meant that he slipped into the situation of letting his girlfriend support them both for many years. If he had spent every waking moment trying to make his dream come true I would not criticise him; but he became comfortable with someone else taking responsibility for paying his way through life and in the end his artistic nature became just an excuse for not working. Is your partner continually working hard to achieve his dream? While you are out working is he 'working' at becoming successful in his chosen area? If not, he is deceiving you; and worse, he is deceiving himself. My friends partner missed out on having children because she could never afford to stop working as she was supporting two people. By the time she realised that his 'dreams' were nothing more than excuses it was too late. Tragically, she would have made a wonderful mother. All people who choose an artistic path in life have to 'pay their dues' with only a small chance of success: there are only a limited number of successful writers, artists, musicians, poets etc and there is nothing wrong with pursuing such careers if it is done wholeheartedly with self-belief. Only you, Lalka, are in a position do judge how sincerely he is committed to his goal. But will he be committed enough to you to make the hard decision that success might beyond him?...and would your financial support simply allow him to delay making such a decision? On your last point, no it wouldn't make you a bad person if you walk away because you feel he lacks committment to you and/or his chosen artistic path, but don't forget plenty of people have achieved their artistic goals while simultaneously holding down a job. One last thing Lalka......what are your dreams?

GregKellyThreads: 1 Posts: 21 Joined: Jul 25, 09	Aug 12, 09, 18:58 / #
Test him, dont spend money on him and see how he changes, then you will be able to make a better informed opinion of him. What does he do with his dole money ???

pgtxThreads: 49 Posts: 6,327 Joined: Feb 14, 09 MEMBER	Aug 13, 09, 00:54 / #
tornado2007: I cannot believe something like this gets in the way of a relationship!!! it's very possible :) if she makes enough money, maybe he can be a househusband... ;)

ShelleySThreads: 18 Posts: 3,647 Joined: Jun 26, 07	Aug 13, 09, 09:28 / #
She sounds like she's full of sh*t, why even take this thread seriously, she was looking for a black man a couple of weeks back...notice how she uses the word "lazy"..strange that this appeared not long after a thread about "lazy brits" Thanks mods for moving my posts, once again! Feel free to move this one!

plk123Threads: 30 Posts: 6,412 Joined: Aug 29, 07	Aug 13, 09, 10:47 / #
aphrodisiac: no you're perfectly right.. there's got to be another gold mine one can dig. ;) niejestemcapita: If he waits too longfor the perfect situation to be an artist, the great talent within will have dried up anyway. All able bodied men and women should have jobs, unless they are caring for someone. juche is paradise.

niejestemcapitaThreads: 3 Posts: 666 Joined: Jan 3, 09	Aug 12, 09, 19:05 / #
lalka: if I will walk away cause he doesnt have job -wouldnt that make me bad person???awwwww no. If he waits too longfor the perfect situation to be an artist, the great talent within will have dried up anyway. All able bodied men and women should have jobs, unless they are caring for someone.

espanaThreads: 40 Posts: 2,233 Joined: Feb 28, 07	Edited by: espana Aug 12, 09, 19:15 / #
lalka: I am mad ,cause I found man I was looking for for ages but ...he is a lazy bastard lol in the end this is a polish forum , where the poles try to express their inferiority complex. this thread is a good example :)

inkrakow	Aug 12, 09, 19:17 / #
lalka: I am mad ,cause I found man I was looking for for ages but ...he is a lazy bastard lol eh? you've been looking for a 42-year old lazy bastard for ages? guess what - he's been looking for a 29 year old young woman who will pay for everything... Laluś - wake up and smell the coffee. Imagine life in 10, 15, 20 years time, when you have kids. Is the vision really what you want? If so, go for it. But don't expect him to change.

JustysiaSThreads: 15 Posts: 2,869 Joined: Oct 14, 07 MEMBER	Aug 12, 09, 19:30 / #
so he can't find a job or he doesn't want one? does he still live with his mum? i think you'd be better off without him and find someone who can at least support themselves. what sort of a first impression is that, going out with a guy who LETS you pay for him and is quite happy to carry on like this? he could cook a meal at home for you if he can't afford to eat out, there's always a way but this guy is by the looks of it a lazy sod! leave him, plenty of fish in the sea.

szkotja2007Threads: 38 Posts: 2,544 Joined: Dec 29, 06	Aug 12, 09, 19:48 / #
Dump him and move to Scotland.

PierogiThreads: - Posts: 64 Joined: Aug 1, 09	Aug 12, 09, 20:12 / #
lalka: I am mad ,cause I found man I was looking for for ages but ...he is a lazy bastard lol If he was hard-working and career-minded, you'd probably be moaning that he doesn't "pay you enough attention" and spends too much time at work or something ;) szkotja2007: Dump him and move to Scotland. No, even better... dump him and move to my town, I work, I'm lovely, I'm Polish, and I'm not 13 years older either ;) rich55: Thank you Lalka! The more you tell me about your man the more he sounds like my best friend from my late-teens and twenties. He never had a 'proper' job because he was 'artistic' (designed clothes) but he never really committed himself to it absolutely, which, with his financial naivity, meant that he slipped into the situation of letting his girlfriend support them both for many years. If he had spent every waking moment trying to make his dream come true I would not criticise him; but he became comfortable with someone else taking responsibility for paying his way through life and in the end his artistic nature became just an excuse for not working. Is your partner continually working hard to achieve his dream? While you are out working is he 'working' at becoming successful in his chosen area? If not, he is deceiving you; and worse, he is deceiving himself. Beat me to it! Spot on!! :D He's just "finding himself" probably... which is a middle-class way of saying "I just can't be a*sed". So tell him to "find himself" a job, lol :)

pgtxThreads: 49 Posts: 6,327 Joined: Feb 14, 09 MEMBER	Aug 12, 09, 23:54 / #
lalka: I met English man -he is perfect but doesnt have job -what to do? tickle his ego... if that doesn't work, he's just lazy and it may never change... good luck lalka...

tornado2007Threads: 20 Posts: 3,497 Joined: Jul 11, 07	Aug 13, 09, 00:49 / #
To be honest, unless it matters a lot to you whether he has a job or not, it should not really affect the way you to get on. If you like the guy then you don't like him because he has a job or not, if you like him that much then maybe you can help him find a job??? I cannot believe something like this gets in the way of a relationship!!! (Potential relationship) Treat him as you would treat anybody else

PierogiThreads: - Posts: 64 Joined: Aug 1, 09	Aug 13, 09, 00:56 / #
tornado2007: To be honest, unless it matters a lot to you whether he has a job or not, it should not really affect the way you to get on. But it is affecting her, or she wouldn't have written... lalka: funny enough -I have found job in his country and he can not? He is well educated so it is hard for me to understand ... I feel terrible if I have to pay for meals but otherwise we wouldnt eat at all ... how to tell him politely that I cant afford to pay for everything ???I dont want him to get use to the situation ,rich a comfort zone with me.... I am mad ,cause I found man I was looking for for ages but ...he is a lazy bastard

tornado2007Threads: 20 Posts: 3,497 Joined: Jul 11, 07	Aug 13, 09, 00:57 / #
Pierogi: But it is affecting her, or she wouldn't have written... so if it affecting her that much then don't be witht he guy, don't come onto a public website asking for asnwers, ther are none. Its common sense, if you are happy with him not having a jobe then get on with your relationship, if your not then leave him and move on. It culd not be more simple

PierogiThreads: - Posts: 64 Joined: Aug 1, 09	Aug 13, 09, 01:08 / #
tornado2007: so if it affecting her that much then don't be witht he guy, don't come onto a public website asking for asnwers, ther are none. Its common sense, if you are happy with him not having a jobe then get on with your relationship, if your not then leave him and move on. It culd not be more simple True, but people do like a good moan, and teh internetz is as good a place as any :) lol

tornado2007Threads: 20 Posts: 3,497 Joined: Jul 11, 07	Aug 13, 09, 01:22 / #
Pierogi: True, but people do like a good moan, and teh internetz is as good a place as any :) lol well if it is affecting her that bad and she feels the need to moan on the internet, then she probably has her answer right there?? If she is that unhappy then don't see the bloke again, if she is ok with it then see him, find out how it goes. Its rather more simple than she is making out, if your the kind of person who decides that a relationship is possible due to a job situation then you probably should not be in one in the first place.

PolishCrushThreads: 1 Posts: 8 Joined: Aug 6, 09	Aug 13, 09, 03:54 / #
lalka: we get along so well ,and everything is sooo lovely but he doesnt have a job is 13 years older then me (I am 29) ...funny enough -I have found job in his country and he can not? He is well educated so it is hard for me to understand ... I feel terrible if I have to pay for meals but otherwise we wouldnt eat at all ... I dont know what to do -he is very decent man just I guess dont like to work really whats the point of going into this? on the other hand -if we are so great -why is this a problem? how to tell him politely that I cant afford to pay for everything ???I dont want him to get use to the situation ,rich a comfort zone with me.... every advice is greatly appreciated I am mad ,cause I found man I was looking for for ages but ...he is a lazy bastard lol What was he doing when you were looking for (and found) a job in his country? Did you mention to him that you were looking for work and give him some leads (like the one you had)? If he is lazy as you said but is your man (the one you have been looking for) why are not doing nothing to change the (his) situation? Paying his way is not helping...he might need help with how to find a job, you can show him how you got yours and advice him. If he still does nothing, tell him he has to find a job or do whatever job you find for him (however remedial it might be - since you need 2 incomes to support each other and your relationship; unless he doesn't care about you in which case maybe you will start to look elsewhere)...

sarThreads: 1 Posts: 21 Joined: Aug 11, 09	Aug 13, 09, 05:16 / #
It sounds like he wants a mother and a lover without responsibility. At 42 and not gainfully employed, he has to make hard career decisions. As long as he finds people to take care of him, he will never make the hard decisions. I have known too many men who wanted to wait for their dream job/career and abused (not physically, but emotionally) many relationships. In the end, they were comfortable having another take care of their needs without contributing to a relationship.

Jay24Threads: 21 Posts: 110 Joined: Apr 27, 09	Aug 13, 09, 11:10 / #
rich55: I have done plenty of menial jobs in my life to pay the rent and pay for food and have never thought I am too good to accept such work I for one agree with this. If needs be I'd do 2-3 jobs if that's what I had to do to survive. I'd get a bar job and work as a cleaner if that's what paid the rent. strawberry: Its very hard to find a job now, give him a chance, he is not responsible for the recession. I work in the recruitment industry. Yes it is hard to find work but there are jobs out there. If people really want to work, they can. OK, so they might need to be prepared to put in a bit of effort to get a job but all in all, you can find work if you really want it. LALKA: I would say your guy needs a reality check. He needs to pull his finger out and get working.

lalkaThreads: 2 Posts: 8 Joined: May 29, 09	Aug 13, 09, 13:06 / #
many thanks to all ...I appreciate your help /advice he said he is trying -its just doesnt work....also he said he can not do the job which doesnt give him satisfaction ,just for the sake of it ....how sad is that? who has this luxury of satisfaction those days?well,some do no need to insult me -shelleys ...what I was looking for aint your business ...show some class- you not invited to offend pple this relationship is fresh as I have mentioned ....