Help with Polish love poem

oranje68

May 4, 11, 16:27 #1

I have written a love poem in Polish with the help of my own knowledge and google translate. Is there any body who could have a look at it to see if I made a mistake?

Polish version:

Jestem osoba
Bez bogactwa słowa miłości
Często bez właściwe słowa
Czasami w ogóle bez słów.

Ale mam nadzieję
Że moja miłość nie potrzebuje słów
Że rzut oka lub dotyku mogą powiedzieć
Więcej niż tysiąc słów.

A jeśli to nie wystarczy jest
Pozwól mi farby obrazu słowo
Z kolorami miłości
Z tobą pośrodku
Moje serce w twoje ręku.

What I meant in English:

I am a person
Without a wealth of love words
Often without the right words
Sometimes, even without any words.

But I hope
That my love does not need words
That a glance or a touch can say
More than a thousand words.

And if it is not enough
Let me paint a word picture
With colors of love
With you in the middle
My heart in your hands.

Thanks for any help....

gumishuThreads: 17 Posts: 3,943 Joined: Apr 6, 09 ♂	May 4, 11, 16:59 #2
oranje68 Jestem osobą Nieobdarzoną bogactwem słów. Często brak mi słów właściwych. Czasem wogóle brak mi słów. Ale mam nadzieję, Że moja miłość słów nie potrzebuje. Że spojrzenie albo dotyk mogą powiedzieć więcej niż tysiąc słów. A jeśli to za mało Pozwól mi namalować słowami obraz Kolorami miłości Z Tobą po środku Z moim sercem w twoich dłoniach

oranje68	May 4, 11, 18:16 #3
Djiekuje bardzo!

Koala	May 4, 11, 23:27 #4
The above translation is very good, although: -you should write "w ogóle" separately! -I would also change the last verse to: Z moim sercem w dłoniach twych That sounds more poetic;)

rybnikThreads: 29 Posts: 1,229 Joined: Jan 16, 11 ♂	May 4, 11, 23:52 #5
Koala: I would also change the last verse to: Z moim sercem w dłoniach twych That sounds more poetic;) indeed

oranje68

May 5, 11, 10:04 #6

Thanks all for the great help. I pasted Gumishu's version into my wife's birthday card and she was really delighted.
I have one question though.

Where I originally had "Bez bogactwa słowa miłości" Gumishu chose "Nieobdarzoną bogactwem słów."
Could I also use "Nieobdarzoną bogactwem słowa miłości" here?

Then the new version with all of your help might be:

Jestem osobą
Nieobdarzoną bogactwem słowa miłości.
Często brak mi słów właściwych.
Czasem w ogóle brak mi słów.

Ale mam nadzieję,
Że moja miłość słów nie potrzebuje.
Że spojrzenie albo dotyk
Mogą powiedzieć więcej niż tysiąc słów.

A jeśli to za mało
Pozwól mi namalować słowami obraz
Kolorami miłości
Z Tobą po środku
Z moim sercem w dłoniach twych.

♂

Edited by: gumishu May 5, 11, 10:17 #7

oranje68:

Where I originally had "Bez bogactwa słowa miłości" Gumishu chose "Nieobdarzoną bogactwem słów."
Could I also use "Nieobdarzoną bogactwem słowa miłości" here?

looks like my translation wasn't perfect eventually - i missed this in my translation - I would write 'Nieobdarzoną bogactwem słów miłości' - the version you proposed is not natural Polish (and going for some strange stylistic is not the way to write personal poetry in my oppinion)

oranje68

May 5, 11, 10:50 #8

gumishu:

looks like my translation wasn't perfect eventually - i missed this in my translation - I would write 'Nieobdarzoną bogactwem słów miłości' - the version you proposed is not natural Polish (and going for some strange stylistic is not the way to write personal poetry in my oppinion)

Thanks so much for your help. Your version was brilliant, it's just the 'Nieobdarzoną bogactwem słów' was missing the miłości and I was really trying to emphasize 'words of love'.
I really wasn't trying to suggest something stylistic, my Polish is just very weak on grammar ;-)
If I had have used my original it would have looked like a dog's dinner. My wife thought that your version must be from a well-known poem that I had sourced on the internet so thanks again.

gumishuThreads: 17 Posts: 3,943 Joined: Apr 6, 09 ♂	May 5, 11, 10:52 #9
you are welcome :)

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