An Issue of circumstance

My goodness me Tornado posting on the Love/Relationship section this has to be a first or even a hypocritical act surely, well if it is i'm sorry, lol :).

On a more serious note i do have something to ask about and hope people can advise me on it. I'm not going to lie from the outset so i'm not going to pretend the girl is Polish she is not she is Serbian, well maybe i can post this on a Serbian site then :). You see there i am trying to delay me telling you whats wrong because i'm nervous about opinion so now i'm self evaluating my psychological state, typical.

Ok so here goes, i'm currently involved with a girl, Milena, who hails from Serbia and from a town which i can neither pronounce or spell so i won't bother, when i say involved i mean soon to be in a relationship. Its apparent to me that she has a lot of history of her own from her life as a young girl in Serbia, the war etc etc.

She has told me a lot of things which i cannot possibly go into on a public forum but to sum it up her family and her had a bad time of it when the war kicked off. For example her father was killed fighting for the Serbs. She has a major disliking to Military personnel from all around the world for various reasons and that includes the British.

So to make things worse my father was in the Military for years and served a lot of his time involved in the war over in Bosnia, Serbia, Montenegro etc etc. Some of his closest friends were wounded and one even killed while serving, so he has an obvious disliking towards Serbs. I can hear you all saying, what a stupid **** and, what a ****** he is, but its just all he has been through i suppose.

So when it comes to explaining about my family to her i steer well clear of my father and our major family involvement with the British Armed Forces. however the more involved with each other we get the more we are going to find out about each others families, histories etc etc etc.

So when it comes down to it, what the F**k do i do??? I didn't realise until recently that anything would ever happen between us and have not been prepared and i guess caught off guard by it.

I know if i was advising myself i would say 'well mate you've just got to tell the truth and deal with the consequences' I think i all ready know the consequences, my father not liking my partner and my partner totally finishing with me all together before its really begun :(

so please, HELP??

Thanks

T

Sorry to hear that Tornado. In my opinion, the best way is to tell the truth. It's not going to be easy for anybody, but sooner or later it will come up. You didn't expected what is happening and life is sometimes very twisted, but to show her your respect you should be honest.

thats ok, i guess life has its trials :)


probably right but i may as well kiss it goodbye now


your right


if i thought it was going to go any further than it was before this would have never been a worry, she was a friend and not that close, however now its different


yes that may be true but she will probably ask 'why didn't you tell me before anything happened'

thanks for the advice, all is welcome i appreciate people's views and points even if i won't like them. After all i'm always giving out frank and honest advice

Goodness - I guess all you can do is hope she understands that you cannot help your father's opinion and that he can come to terms with the fact that you like this girl - maybe once he sees how you care for her! If she will find out then you are best to tell her first. If she cares enough about you, she should be able to deal with the difference between your father and yourself and not blame you for his opinions/ideas.

Good luck...

i don't want to be an ass right now but it's very possible to happen, if her feelings and views are that strong as you say. War'd mess you up...

thank you _Sofi_ however its also her views on my father and family background of being involved with the forces. My father and his views/memories is an issue but one i can probably get round, its hers i'm more worried about.


kind of like damage limitation, if it does not work out with her then my father need not know about what happened :) i see the logic

thnaks

yes i guess war can mess you up, that goes for both sides, my father/hers, they are both great people of course and i'm sure one of them (i don't know which) will turn round and say 'ok its fine' but the other one will probably not. Catch 22 i think :), man i don't know why i'm smiling.

This might sound crass, but if your friend and father meet and speak on friendly terms it will be difficult for them to harbour hate. At the same time it's about you two being together. So be gentle, don't lie and wait and see.

Has your father met the girl ? As a professional soldier he knows she is not responsible for anything. Have a little more faith in him.

She seems to need a lot more time to understand the reality of war and its aftermath.

That's as much as I can say.

Not much help, but you did ask.

I disagree, the best thing to do is just lie or at least bend the truth a bit. I do not understand why your father's past is of any importance to your relationship. In fact many German women met and married English soldiers who were posted in Germany at the end of both World Wars. Talk about yourself and that should be enough. If you have a lot in common she will ride any storm and if she walks away from you simply because your father was in the British Army then there can not be very much between you in the first place. My Father in law was a soldier in the American Army during World war 2 and worked in a factory in Germany as slave labour but I know very little of what he did and it does not interest me at all. So why worry?

that is a great idea why didn't i think of that before!!!!! they can meet and then i can somehow start the conversation off. it will take a little more than just that, but i get the idea.


only very briefly and he hardly knows anything about her apart from her name, that was a while ago and before anything kicked off between me and her.


yes of course, i'm sure he does but i think on a matter of principal he disagreed with what the Serbians did. Even though her father died fighting for the Serbs i don't know how he will feel, i guess in some perverted way he will have professional admiration to another guy fighting for what he believes in or what he is told to do.


well she is the one who has been through it, so i wouldn't really know, i can only look at it from a hypathetical point of view, while she has had the whole lot, even fireworks make her jump, i mean man thats serious stuff.




i appreciate what you have said and accept your views and ideas, thanks

Speak the truth.
Tactfully.

I think that you are insecure in this relationship and I think that you are simply 'plucking at straws' here.

thats good advice, to use an old phrase, 'easier said than done' :)


dam yes i feel insecure, i feel like i don't know what the hell to do, the relationship as such has not started officially or as official as it gets.


what do you mean by this, please explain it?? what straws am i clutching at and what am i doing to make you think this??

I don't think he is insecure. I think he cares about people around him.

its a bit of both i guess, i'm scared of it all blowing up but at the same time i want everybody to be happy

i know what you mean, but cannot make everybody happy.

I think from what I see that he fears the relationship is going to end even before it has started and he is just looking for excuses to accept this fate should it all go wrong. I do not know enough about the couple to say more but if I met a girl whom I liked why would my father's past career take priority? He will have to be tactful and keep this at the back of his mind but I certainly would not bring his military past up unless I had to. As the English expression goes 'we will cross that bridge when we come to it'.

my father will always be my father a parent, as they say women come and go :)


of course i don't want it to go tits up why would i unless i was totally deranged


i'l keep that in mind, thanks for your views and explaining them

believe me what i wrote was not random :) it wasn't even off topic, yet the yellow faced, file cabinet organisers decide to move it!!!!

p.s. this is a matter of circumstance so don't move this!!!!

Don't worry about it too much. If you're feeling nervous when they're together, you'll blurt out about the war and make a hash of it.

(Remember John Cleese in "Fawlty Towers"? "Don't mention the war" he kept saying, and all the German women started crying. Don't repeat this scenario.....)

Talk about the weather, have some tea, sit in the garden -- this is what we British are famous for.....


Don't antagonise your Serbian girlfriend though. I have some Serbian friends here in the States, and they told me that it's true what people say about those who live in the Balkans -- they are always fighting.

oh no, i'm not that silly, lol nervous maybe but not that silly :)


made me chuckle :)


So you don't think talking about Zlatko Mladic would be a good idea then :)


wow she's not exactly my girlfriend
hahaha, being related to members of the 'red scorpions' who don't exist anymore i can expect an indecent execution.

anyway joking a side she can be volatile on certain subjects and i'm certain this is one of them. I can tread on egg shells all i like however i think i'l break them before the conversation is finished. if its anyones reaction i fear most its hers.

Thanks for the advice, i will keep calm when it comes to explaining to both sides, or at least try

Thanks

T

hhhmmm i missed this point earlier sorry.

Your right it is hard to keep everybody happy all the time, i guess its a case of how i go about it rather than actually worrying over the reactions that i'm going to receive.

Was there any fighting between locals and NATO except air strikes on Serbia in 99 ?

Tell the truth, as the truth will always find a way of getting out eventually.

It's better to tell the truth, than have to try and deal with a lie later on.

I think you are worrying unnecessarily at the moment You have only just started with her and you do not know how serious this is going to be. I see no reason to discuss your fathers feelings or her feelings until or unless you both decide you want a permanent relationship.

I agree with this. Why complicate things at this early stage? If you do fall in love with each other then it shouldnt matter what your families have been through..what counts is your feelings for each other and if these are strong enough you will overcome anything. My partner's family will never accept me, but I am not bothered by this, it is their choice and we wont let it break up our relationship.

My dad was part of the UN team and you'll have to take my word for it, they were fired upon at periods in the war and sometimes more than a few warning shots. Certain parts of the Serbian Army, supposed Partizan's attacked NATO and UN forces throughout the conflict, these were Serbian soldiers in civilian dress.

Actual Serb soldiers also shot at UN troops in full uniform. They also would shoot pilots who bailed from their aircraft.


i think your right daisy, keeping secrets is not a good idea its bound to come out sometime, thats good sound advice thanx x


I guess your kind of right, i have been in a bit of a flap since things moved on, You make a good point about 'where its going' i think we should discuss that before anything else, e.g. my fathers feelings and our family background with the military.

thanks for reminding me of this important point, although it does not clear it totally it does show me i'm missing some important points :)


i think your right, you also think i'm running before i can walk :). Your points are very valid and well worth a read and a think. thnx x

Best of luck to you both.

thanks mate :)

p.s. Are you buy any chance Scottish and by any chance a Heart's of Midlothian fan??

i only ask as their nickname is the 'Jambo's'