...how many people realise that global warming is almost entirely due to fatty farts...?
I do not have time to establish the links between the other environmental and moral disasters which have spread from blubberous America to the rest of the world. However, I will now reveal the promised silver lining in the battle against the dark cloud of blubber. We will look at one government program that has had dramatic results in reducing the incidence of blubber in American women.
I have the great privilege of releasing today, for the first time, results of a decades old program designed to lighten the American female pig.
In the early 1950s, CIA psychologists and psychiatrists developed the first ever auto-suggestive eating disorder:
Anorexia Nervosa. By creating a false positive, that is, by manipulating the images of women produced by the mass media, the government has gradually begun to precondition females, from the earliest ages at which they can comprehend external cues, to embrace an emaciated, skeletal appearance as the ideal in female beauty. The results have been encouraging on two levels. First, obviously, as a general overall weight reducer. The
Anorexia Nervosa program has effectively saturated 10% of the American female population, and recent surveys predict a continued steady growth rate throughout at least the next decade. The program’s goal of an overall saturation rate of 33% seems attainable. The second level of success has stemmed from an unpredicted outcome. For some still unknown reason, it has been discovered that 2-5% of the females participating in the
Anorexia Nervosa program will die. This unexpected side effect is, of course, highly efficient in terms of weight reduction.