Lifechanging opportunity for undiscovered & talented Graphic Designer

Hi There,

I am the manager of a IT hardware company in the UK and am looking for a designer who produces work that is award winning and second to none. Our company competes with Apple, Dell, Eizo, Lacie and NEC (this is NOT an exaggeration). The work will comprise of masterpieces in the form of brochures, banners, email shots etc. Some technical knowledge e.g. Flash/CSS/HTML/PHP/Joomla/Video editing/photography etc. would be an advantage but not necessary along with SEO and copy writing. This is an opportunity for somebody to raise their profile and will suit a junior one man show who believes their talent hasn't been spotted. You will be eager to build your portfolio and will have total confidence in yourself. We are looking for a genius so an award or recognition of some sort will be good but is in no way a requirement. This is for somebody who realizes an opportunity when they see one. We are looking for someone whom we can build a rapport with over the next few years. The work will require countless sleepless nights. You will be committed to us and will in essence, become our marketing machine producing work on the fly or even stuff we haven't requested. Looking for someone who is chilled out, can have a laugh, is aware of what's going on in the world and has wacky hobbies. The work will follow a common theme throughout i.e. clean, crisp and effective. We don't require fancy stuff that involves sound or animation etc. To give you an idea, only apply if you can produce graphics, artwork, typography and media on par with what Apple, LACIE, NEC, Adobe, SONY, Samsung and Dell use in their literature. Take a look at Dave's portfolio at gallery.brinda.com/. You must be able to produce such levels of quality and nothing less. Please read the following very very very carefully and ONLY reply if you feel confident you meet ALL the criteria. This ad is in circulation on other sites too and to date, we've had more than 20 applications - all have been rejected. Strictly no companies allowed. We will pay modestly initially because as we grow, you too will reap the rewards. Pay shouldn't be high on the list so we're not too fussed if you have a part time job working for your local supermarket. You must be the kind of person who gets a buzz out of working on such a scale and to such a degree of quality and attention. I can assure you, the work you produce here will set you off in a few years (either with us or as a freelance independent). We're not a 'uncle Bobs hardware store' type of business. We compete with the multinationals mentioned above. Most importantly, you'll be honest as you'll be our only designer - the rest of us are bogged down with the day to day runnings of the company. Like us, you'll be passionate about seeing the company dominate rather than seeing your own pocket grow (but we will pay modestly initially).

-----------What we DON'T want:-------------------

a) somebody who goes on about how phenomenal their photoshop/illustrator skills are - because let's face it, these can be outsourced at $3~5 hour!

b) somebody who needs nurturing every step of the way and requires detailed guidelines to work. You MUST be able to use initiative and creativity to produce work that is world class. You will be given simple instructions and will be required to spend more time thinking and researching than actually putting pen to paper. (don't underestimate this last point).

c) somebody who lacks business acumen and commercial focus. You must quickly familiarize yourself with how we, our network and industry works.

d) a 'copycat' who produces designs based on existing pieces

e) nobody from the entertainment/animation/fashion industries who's produced work for artists and musicians etc. This is because our work is more corporate in nature.

++++++++What we DO want:++++++++++++

a) A designer who is keen, committed and passionate. Somebody who has a no-nonsense attitude to getting things done. Somebody who replies 'how high' when asked to jump. Somebody who relies on Redbull, late nights and their computer!!! You should be the kind of person is on online 24/7 and lives and breathes design. You must be prepared to work more hours than god sends on getting it right.

b) A dedicated and punctual timekeeper and organizer. Somebody who delivers on time every time.

c) somebody who is professional and senses our demands rather than wait for us to compile 'briefs'. You will tell US what we should do rather than US tell you. You must be an excellent communicator at all levels and be able to justify why you did what you did.

d)You will be committed and passionate about what we and you do. This is a collective effort.

e) somebody who understands branding and can conceptualize and visualize design. Someone who is confident in criticizing their own and others work ? labeling it either crap or awesome. No half hearted approaches. Because that's the level of quality you'll be required to work at. If after 3 weeks of working on a particular piece we turn around and say 'crap' ? you must be prepared to start all over again.

This role is not for the 'luvvy duvvy' and 'hallelujah' type of designers (this automatically rules out fashion designers etc. you must be sharp, quick and confident. Ethnicity, gender, race, religion are not a problem so as long as you can communicate in English. Preferably somebody young but not important. We may consider after 6~8 months the possibility of employment (based in UK - all costs provided). However, this role will be more of a art directors role in which you will be responsible for managing another designer so the two of you can work collectively on all our projects).

I believe this is a fantastic opportunity ONLY for those who feel their creative talent has gone unnoticed. If you want to apply, just message me a quick paragraph (nothing fancy) on why you think you'll be suitable for this role when so many people are put off by it. I will read ALL replies and will reply to everybody.

Is this ad for real!!!!
It's crazier than the demands in Polish newspaper employment ads!
Thanks for making me laugh though! Love it!