my boyfriend is on a polish dating site

yes. we all know that ;)

but its true tho

I am glad that you can laugh at others misfortune, must make you a big man huh. Maybe one day you will know the pain I am going through.

That doesn't make it right.....I guess if you truly are willing to be with a person like that, then more power to you......
Of course "HE" says that (is he trying to convince you it's ok), and I'll admit, that there are plenty of self-absorbed lil boys all over the place, but I know just as many men with honesty and integrity that don't cheat as I know men that do.

Hell! :(

So, when a married woman should worry?

Are you used to it? :)

With the greatest of respect... It would appear that you do it to yourself.

yeah the problem is that he's a jerk, and you are taking him back but beware because this probably wasn't the last time he'd done this. i'd be so hurt if i found out my bloke had a fling behind my back or payed for membership on dating websites, i'd never be able to trust him again. if you are taking him back, get him to sign a document where he declares to pay you your money back or something, call a solicitor and ask them how to do it properly (cos i really ain't sure tbh) just in case he did cheat again and you kicked him out. if you can find it in yourself to forgive him and try to move on, good on you for having a big heart and not wanting to throw away the last 3 years of your life with that man, but bear in mind that you might be throwing away a few years more on top of that if your boyfriend decides not to change his ways. internet addiction is a known problem, but his problem doesn't limit just to the virtual world, he actually goes out there and meets women. a man who feels the need to get out there and 'prove to himself he's still got it' is in fact a very insecure, troubled guy nad he needs to see a psychologist in order to overcome his insecurities if this really is such a problem. there is nothing you can do to stop him though, if you start controlling him he will just find another way of hiding things from you and accuse you of being paranoid and not trusting him. really be careful, it's quite likely that he will break your heart again. but good luck anyway!

well maybe I am stupid, especially for posting on here. To be honest I dont even really care about the money, I just want everything to be alright between us again.

He has only met one woman off the internet twice and now its over as he told her he had a girlfriend. I know he has chatted to others but he hasnt met them. You are right that he is insecure, that is exactly the problem.. he needs to constantly reassure himself that he has 'still got it' as he is approaching middle age. I told him that he needs to choose between his virtual fantasy and false friends or me. He says he has chosen me and he is staying away from the laptop as much as possible, but I know it must be killing him as I know how addictive it can be.

You are not stupid, zabko! I think you regret posting here because people are telling you things you know to be the truth and you are not ready to accept that now, which is fine. As for the money, it's true, there are more important things in life.....as for everything being alright between you 2 again, I truly hope that happens, but I would be lying if I said I think it will. Good luck and I am truly sorry you are hurting....nobody deserves to go through what you have.

we all know that money cant buy you all the hapiness and love and i do realise that you want your relationship back on track, but i'm just saying that if it doesn't work out then at least you'll have funds for some retail therapy! lol. i know everyone at some point chats and flirts to someone of the opposite sex over the internet, but if you are in a relationship you should always make it clear, and don't meet anyone unless it's just friends... you will have to be very strong and keep an eye on him every now and again, if he truly does want to change and he feels guilty that he betrayed you, there is of course a chance everything will be fine from now on. but switch your intuition on and anytime you feel something is outta order, confront him and be firm. if he carries on using the excuse of having a 'problem', just leave him to sort it out himself. nobody deserves to be cheated on, there is no excuse for that.

In defence of men...Pehaps most men would cheat if they could get away with it , but not all i can assure you...When i was a racing driver i had many pretty girls hanging around in the hope that they could get to tell their friends that they slept with a champion , many of my friends accepted their offers , but i can say in all honesty that i never did...I had a girlfriend that i loved , and there was no way i was going to be dishonest to her...besides , i didn,t find it flattering that some girl wanted to sleep with me because i was a well known driver with a bit of money......I was proud that i was not so shallow as my friends and remained faithfull untill she left me after a bad crash in which a guy was killed....i refused to stop racing...she walked.....looking back i don,t blame her for that...but she knows , even now that i was never untrue to her.....it may be normal for guys to play around , but its not right , and should not be accepted by any girl....

I agree.

Well said, Wildrover.....if I weren't already spoken for I'd move to Poland just to meet you;)

I would too but my horse might get jealous

Dam....looks like i missed the boat again...

.


and yet again....where were you two when i was all alone......your horse can come too actually...i have a stable.....come to think of it...we could have a stable relationship in there......

Nah....just means you have a better ship approaching beyond the horizon;)
Badumpdump!!!!:)

I doubt it.....i thought horses were pretty well equiped.....

haha. My horse is a girl anyway and I'll be breeding her to a Friesian stud

where did you dig this up from?


that is not THE stupid move.

well Ive installed a spy detector on MY computer and looks like he still visiting some sites, although they are in Polish so I dont understand everything. He is also chatting to a woman on skype and was texting her last night, but he says she is just a friend who is going through a hard time. Things have being going well between us lately and we are going away this weekend with friends so I hope I can hold it together at least until we get back. I have realised that he is not going to change although he is telling me something different. We have 6 weeks on our house contract before we can move and he says he will tell me his decision about whether he wants to move with me when he comes back from Poland in a few weeks, but I know now that I need to make my own plans and move forward with my own life.

Are you surprised that you found out he's still visiting other sites? Or chatting via text/Skype with another woman?

He won't change zabko. Who is he going to visit when he's in Poland?

And why are you waiting on him making a decision about moving with you? You're right. Move on. While he's in Poland use the time to start building the next chapter in your life.

yes I am surprised as he said he would change. He is going to Poland to visit his family (mom and brother).. he also wants me to go a week later for a holiday and come back together (I cant meet his family as they dont accept me). I know that I need to get rid of him but its so hard as he convinces me that he still loves me and doesnt want to be without me.

you cheeky cheeky little girl

dont come on to a public forum post about your problems and then get uppity when you dont like what people say.

you cheeky cheeky little girl

if you sh!t in your bed, dont be suprised when you wake up smelling of poo

this means if you give your boyfriend free riegn to cheat, and he does, which he is, then you only have yourself to blame

deal with it

fool

why not? is there by any chance an ex he left in Poland and that's why the family is against you? i bet there is some history there, if you never go there and haven't met them, how do you know they don't accept you? cos your boyfriend told you so? and you believe it. maybe it's because he's got a wife there? really, after reading your last 2 posts i don't see any hope there. and you are waiting for HIM to make a decision whether he wants to move in with you to your new home? it's him who f*cked up! stop being such a doormat and put your foot down woman!

People don't need to explain every detail of their entire lives in a relationship, but the more secrecy, the worse things will be.

Why can't they accept you? Probably because they know nothing about you. What story has he given you?

There's always something wrong straight away when someone says "family won't accept me".



Maybe not an ex. I'm thinking "current" or even "wife". If it is an ex then probably this is girl he's been texting.

zabko, you need to chalk this up to a bad experience and move on with your life, without him.



Well put. Everyone needs a little bit of secrecy but when it extends to try to pick up other women...that's where the relationship should end.

I have heard this story before , and the ending is always the same....You need to get rid of this guy and move on...You will never be able to trust him , and he will move on to somebody else as soon as he finds another girl who can buy him an even better car...He is just a user , and the only pleasure you are going to get from him moving on is to know that he is going to do the same thing with the next sucker....Give him up , and find somebody you can trust with your heart , and your money....best of luck to you....

It seems to be about what HE wants, a relationship involves two people making decisions together,



They've been together for 3 years, would it be possible to have such a double life for so long?

Oh well, I dont think that any amount of advice offa bunch of randoms off a forum will persuade her to make any life changing choices...



He needs a sh*g, a sympathtic ear and of course money....

I do wish you all the best, no woman deserves to be treated in such a way.

Spot on. I went out with a guy like this who was always trying to make the decisions (it didn't last long). It can be quite demoralising. Unless, of course, a person wants decisions made for them.




Hmm, perhaps not if he had a wife then. Slightly more possible if it was a girlfriend. Convenient for him that his family "won't accept" zabko so he has to go to Poland alone each visit. I don't know how long out of the 3 years they've lived together but the less time it is, the more possible he could have a girlfriend back home.



True that.

I should think about posting my love life on PF. People could do with a good laugh :)



zabko, listen to this guy.

Online cheating is the most serious form by far.You may get horns very quickly.

guys there is a reason that his family dont accept me and I am fully aware of what it is, however I dont wish to post all of the details here, so please stop with the conspirancy theories. The family problem is an issue, but one that has always been there. We have lived together for almost 3 years now and despite how I might be coming across on here I can assure you that I am not normally a weak person and when it comes to most decision making in the relationship it is definitely me calling the shots. We have just been away for the weekend and had a fantastic time. We are going to talk things through about the house and everything else this week. I do appreciate your advice, but obviously it is not really what I want to hear and also please remember that you dont know all of the facts. Maybe I am deluding myself but I genuinely believe that he still loves me and that maybe we can get through this. If not, then life goes on and it not like anyone has died or anything is it. All broken hearts mend in time, its just a question of how long.

I know it's difficult to accept your partner is cheating (if he is and i also think he is) because its the man you love. I f i thought the same as you about my boyfriend i would be saying the exact things as you. But the fact that you came on here proves you dont trust him. All these checkups and cameras installed proves that too. Your choosing to ignore it and if it works for you then great but just remember he will keep doing it and the fact that you keep forgiving him just gives him permission to keep doing it because he now knows you will never leave him.

I think you should just cut your losses and leave him. Isnt it better to be miserable and alone and in time get better then to be with him and be miserable the rest of your life. You should take our advice because we dont know him and thats the best advice because its true advice, were not saying it to make you feel better. I think if you stay with him your making a huge mistake!!!! I would have more respeact for myself then to let my boyfriend do that...have respect for yourself - your boyfriend has no respect for you by what he's doing!!!!

gracie,

I think zabko is telling us that she now has control of the situation.

Maybe because of the advice so far. Maybe not.

I don't think that we should continually tell people with personal problems that they should leave their partner. We never know all the details.

However, with what we know, and can surmise, I tend to agree with your post.

thank you for that. I dont really know why I posted here and wish I hadnt now, but thanks to all those that have offered constructive advice. At the end of the day the decision is mine and mine alone and with all due respect I am no way going to make a life changing decision based on what random online strangers say.

Can I offer you a little advice....speak to your close friends, ones who know you and know about him, it's safer that way.

of course I have done that too. I have spoken to several close friends and my family about everything. The problem is that now they all hate him which makes it difficult if I decide to stay with him :)

Lesson learnt?

Friends and family are usually right and it's generally best taking advice offered by those close to you.

Do they hate him for what he has done to you ? Or have they always had a strong dislike for him.

Is it possible that if you stay with him you'll lose one or two friends.

Don't let him, or anyone, cause a divide between you and your family.

they only hate him for what he has done to me thats all.. some friends didnt like him initially, but over time they have come to like him. My family will stand by me whatever decision I make and they will accept it if I stay with him. they just want whatever is best for me.

zabko, there is nothing normal about a guy who is in a relationship subscribing to a dating service to look for love, romance and sex. Unless there is a satisfactory explanation for it (not sure if that is possible, but us humans have been known to try) then it is simply outrageous, you should be outraged. You are not outraged though are you?
I think you are probably scared, confused and hurt - which is normal. None of us on this forum know the guy in question, granted, and you are in love with him. He has however, done something I wouldn't dream of doing, most guys wouldn't do, without excuse or apology.
If he sat down with you and said "I am so sorry. I did it because I've been craving the excitement that's been lacking in our relationship, it just got a bit out of hand & I forgot about your feelings, I forgot about us! I realise I want to be with you and I want to bring that excitement back...blah, blah" then you might be hearing the first words from him about saving your relationship (which has descended into spying, mistrust etc).
If you told him it was over, would he be distraught? Or would it just scupper some plans he has for the near future? Instead of bemoaning the intentions of PF users (who are a good bunch IMHO) maybe start with being absolutely honest with yourself