American woman falls in love with a charming Polish man upon his visit to the U.S.

Sojourn

Feb 8, 11, 18:52 #1

Hello beloved Polish people.
I fell in love with a Polish man while backpacking when he visited the U.S. There was no inappropriate behavior, just a pleasant afternoon and a wonderful evening, with good conversation. We were not alone together. I was happy with him; he was charming and a complete gentleman. He sent a group email out to all the people he had met while hiking, and I responded to this message. He later responded back only once. After that, I continued to email him for quite a while, but he never wrote back. I gave up after a while.

Then four months later he writes back to say, "It was strange feeling, urge to turn back from the path I was on and walk with you, but I did not, and I will not." He was talking about the next morning when all the campers packed up to leave the shelter and hike on. He signed the message, "Yours," and his name.

I thought maybe if he would not meet me for a backpacking trip, maybe he would still see me again or write back. I continued to write, in hopes that he might change his mind and come back to America. I asked him if he wanted to see me in Poland, since my brother is visiting Germany later in the year. I did send several messages to him and it was clear in my messages that I liked him very much and I think about him all the time. Sexually speaking, I never said anything inappropriate or explicit to him. I sent pictures of me, but nothing in any way lude at all. I did say at one point that I wish I could reach out and touch his hair. He ignored me and ignored me, but I still kept hoping.

Finally he sends this message:
"I want you to stop writing. I don't want to receive your mails any more.
You are molesting me.
I'm hapyy in a relationship with a woman I love."

Obviously, will not be writing him back, even to stop him from believing that some infatuated (true) and obsessed (true) American woman has molested him in cyberspace. (NOT TRUE!)

My question is, in Poland, is the word molest often used lightly, because is America, it is mostly used with regards to pedophiles and children who are being abused sexually. It is a serious word to use. Especially in this context. Do you really think he thinks he has been molested?

The definition of molest:
1. To disturb or annoy by malevolent interference.
2. To disturb, interfere with, or annoy.
3. To subject to unwanted or improper sexual activity.

I am not completely innocent here, I am in a failed and doomed marriage here in the U.S., (separated privately for almost 2 years) but again, he never said anything like, you are married and I will not communicate with a married woman.

It is painful to love, but I know I am O.K.

Thanks for listening.
Hurt and disillusioned

P.S. Is it common for Polish men to ignore women they are not interested in? Does this come from the Polish wedding custom to serve the unwanted marriage proposal with watemelon and silence?

grubasThreads: 20 Posts: 1,452 Joined: Feb 1, 10 ♂	Feb 8, 11, 18:59 #2
Well,look at the bright side.He is definitely not after a "green card". Sojourn: Is it common for Polish men to ignore women they are not interested in? Yes it is common.

♂

Feb 8, 11, 19:06 #3

Sojourn:

Hurt and disillusioned

You have irritated him highly. It seems he is a very good man and quite honest in the relationship he is in.

Why do you need to "write him and write him"? ... Imagine some man doing it to you when you are in a relationship and not at all interested in that man. Imagine if you are very close to your love and he sometimes have access to your computer? Imagine if you really want a secure relationship, and you don't want anything to hurt him? ... Now you see?

By writing "yours" it doesn't mean he is taking you so seriously. We end our letters in English like that sometimes to our friends. We are not English people. Sometimes it might seem that some Pole have very good command in English (sometimes some one manages to catch a good accent), but the vocabulary is not perfect every time.

Sojourn:

I am in a failed and doomed marriage here in the U.S.

Look I am sorry for you. Perhaps above I might sound harsh, but take that in a spirit of warning that you are not the "victim" here, but infact he might be the "victim of aggressive irritation" from you.

You can find someone who truly would love you. Give a chance to men who would try to please you ... who might not be at first the "men of your attraction" but maybe in time, they will be yours.

By the way, just something curios ... TELL ME WHY ON EARTH WILL HE BE interested in an American girl when in Poland he has the same kind of girl (only different that she is Polish, knows his language, knows his culture, is groomed in his culture, lives in his country!)? Perhaps if you were a Latin girl, if you were Asian, even if you were a black ... then perhaps you were "that" difference which would make him be interested in you. I don't say that Polish men are not interested in white girls from other countries, yes we can but its not about anything else but love happening after knowing someone for some time and discovering something special. IN YOUR CASE, its just a hiking trip. Not such a long time to really fall in love.

^^ the above description depends. Its not strictly a "law" or something. But that is something I wanted to write ...

Just go for someone, who finds something special in you.

Have peace.

JaneDoeThreads: 7 Posts: 237 Joined: Sep 26, 08 ♂	Feb 8, 11, 19:11 #4
Sojourn: Is it common for Polish men to ignore women they are not interested in? What else they are supposed to do? Just do it anyway, American style? ;) Sojourn: I know I am O.K. I know, you are not OK.

Sojourn

Feb 8, 11, 19:15 #5

Thank you for responding. Funny thing is, when I was caught up in everything, I would have gladly wanted to take the time to really know him, see if things where real and offer him just that. I even read up on it; not a quick and easy process. Crazy. And I am not even divorced yet. I see now that I was disillusioned and sprinkle dusted with infatuation. Love is not rational, or I should say, infatuation is not rational.

grubasThreads: 20 Posts: 1,452 Joined: Feb 1, 10 ♂	Feb 8, 11, 19:17 #6
Sojourn: To disturb, interfere with, or annoy. Sojourn: Do you really think he thinks he has been molested? Yea I think he was.If someone is not responding to calls or emails it means that he is either dead or simply don't feel like talking to you.Plain and simple. Tell us something bout you.

♂

Edited by: Lodz_The_Boat Feb 8, 11, 19:18 #7

Sojourn:

Love is not rational, or I should say, infatuation is not rational.

Its not love ... its just the common ways of some people going after anything thats shiny. Pardon me but ... you can have a man in your life who fills you with love. But maybe, just maybe, you will never ever let him come close.

This is a situation that is regrettable for many women (and perhaps some men, but the percentage is smaller). But this is what you chose.

You better back off now, perhaps you will. But for how long? ... anyways... good luck.

♂

Edited by: grubas Feb 8, 11, 19:23 #8

Sojourn:

I fell in love with a Polish man while backpacking when he visited the U.S. There was no inappropriate behavior, just a pleasant afternoon and a wonderful evening, with good conversation. We were not alone together. I was happy with him; he was charming and a complete gentleman. He sent a group email out to all the people he had met while hiking, and I responded to this message. He later responded back only once. After that, I continued to email him for quite a while, but he never wrote back. I gave up after a while.

I think you are a crazy person,seriously.I can tell since I had a girlfriend (American) like that,she was in love with me after 15 minutes.Turned out she was a bi pola in a deep depresion.You should seek professional help.

Sojourn

Feb 8, 11, 19:58 #9

Thank you. Yes I see that I have irritated him highly.

Yes, hindsight is 20/20. I should have stopped when he said "and I will not." And you are right, I was acting out of self interest to continue to contact him. I tried many times to stop and just journal on my own. I even asked him at one point to please help me kill this hope. The thing is, before that, I never new for the entire 5 months that he was even in a relationship. I wanted to know the truth and I finally got it. Pow.

["Yours"] THANK YOU!! This is just the kind of information I needed! I misunderstood. When I end a letter saying "Yours" is means, you have captured my heart.

[aggressive irritation] I know I am not the victim, nor is he. You are right. I was wrong to keep writing, and knew it at the time, but I did follow my heart. I will contemplate why I needed to keep writing.

[curious - why on earth would he want an American] I can only say that for my part, (I obviously can not speak for him!) that I got very caught up in the idea of starting a new life in a new place, and coming to know and love a culture that I would adopt as my own much later. My "love" for him, if you want to call it that, for whatever reason, became synonomous with a new found love of Poland, it's people, it's culture, its history. America has lost this concentration of "culture." To me, as an American, Polish culture is a very attractive thing because we live in a huge and diverse melting pot culture, even though I believe we always retain a mystery as individuals, even when you think you know someone very, very well.

[Just a trip] Yes...it was just a trip, just an encounter and good things have come from it, and much pain. You are right that it takes a long time to love and know someone. I most certainly "fell" for him though.

♂

Feb 8, 11, 20:01 #10

Personally, I think he was abusing the word, or using it "figuratively", if you like. The Polish language had known this word long before it started to be used in its specific meaning as of today. At that past time, the meaning had no sexual connotation whatsoever (it only meant: to disturb, interfere with, or annoy) so for Polish speakers the two meanings, the previous one and the present one, may somehow mix to the effect that the word is eventually much less "stronger" for some of them than for the avarage American speaker.

♀

Edited by: Calabrien Feb 8, 11, 20:06 #11

Ziemowit:

Personally, I think he was abusing the word, or using it "figuratively", if you like. The Polish language had known this word long before it started to be used in its specific meaning as of today. At that past time, the meaning had no sexual connotation whatsoever (it only meant: to disturb, interfere with, or annoy) so for Polish speakers the two meanings, the previous one and the present one, may somehow mix to the effect that the word is eventually much less "stronger" for some of them than for the avarage American speaker.

Yeah, I agree with Ziemowit.

I think that he meant that you are bothering and upseting him by writing to him all the time rather than you "sexually" molesting him

Sojourn

Feb 8, 11, 20:07 #12

[American style] We both know that "American style" occurs in every country. I was hoping he would be more direct with me, and that is exactly what I offered him. My cards are on the table. I saw something that said, "Rejection makes the heart grow fonder." Is that warped or what??!!

[You are not O.K.] Ya, I'm sure there is a lower "bottom." What I mean by "I am O.K." is that God is on his throne and I am obviously not.

Sojourn	Feb 8, 11, 20:16 #13
Ziemowit: [the word molest] THANK YOU SO MUCH!! This is what I needed to know about the language differences between Polish English and American English!

♂

Feb 8, 11, 20:21 #14

Sojourn:

disillusioned

you got that right.. in love you are not. lust maybe and really just smitten. now, let it go..

Sojourn:

P.S. Is it common for Polish men to ignore women they are not interested in?

a Polish custom? you jest...

Sojourn:

The definition of molest:
1. To disturb or annoy by malevolent interference.
2. To disturb, interfere with, or annoy.

you looked it up and still don't understand? really?

Sojourn:

He signed the message, "Yours," and his name.

do you really need a lesson in enlish?

JaneDoe:

I know, you are not OK.

no shlt.. lol

Sojourn:

Crazy. And I am not even divorced yet. I see now that I was disillusioned and sprinkle dusted with infatuation. Love is not rational, or I should say, infatuation is not rational.

i see that you actually are seeing it.. good for ya

JaneDoeThreads: 7 Posts: 237 Joined: Sep 26, 08 ♂	Feb 8, 11, 20:22 #15
Sojourn: Polish English What is that? Sojourn: I was hoping he would be more direct with me I think he was direct with you. Sojourn: "Rejection makes the heart grow fonder." You needed a rebound boy after your failed marriage. But you cannot get water out of a stone.

PlasticPoleThreads: 10 Posts: 5,433 Joined: May 28, 09 ♀	Feb 8, 11, 20:35 #16
It might be hard to take, but this guy just isn't interested in a relationship. He has other priorities. He doesn't feel like emailing. He probably wasn't that interested to begin with.

♂

Feb 8, 11, 20:35 #17

Sojourn,

He meant to say you're bothering him and I bet you he showed your emails to his girlfriend or wife who then "encouraged" him to write you and to be stern, to cut off the correspondence.

Some words might have slighly different meaning in other languages, next time you check into a hotel look on the backside of the "Do Not Disturb" sign, I bet you it says "No Moleste" in Spanish. Doubtful anyone had planned to "molest" the guests. LOL

As far as having a failed marriage behind you - welcome to the club, this situation had nothing to do with that, you're absolutely normal and many people get divorced nowadays for many reasons so don't been bring it up into this discussion, simply not relevant.

What is relevant is the fact you tried to contact him, that you were very polite and nice to him the whole time. I say kudos to you for doing that; it didn't work out as he's probably married and maybe he should've indicated that a little sooner but either way, I think it's great a woman for a change has the balls or rather ovaries to express her interest. Nothing wrong with that at all and don't let this get you down.

Sojourn

Feb 8, 11, 20:53 #18

grubas:
[I think you are a crazy person,seriously.I can tell since I had a girlfriend (American) like that,she was in love with me after 15 minutes.Turned out she was a bi pola in a deep depresion.You should seek professional help.]

I'm pretty sure I fell into the deep 6 "looney" American category in his mind early on. Thanks for the input. I am happy to receive an honest observation. I don't do meds. But I have been fathered by a very professional counselor who loves well.

I will chalk that afternoon, evening and morning experience up to a spontaneous jolt of dopamine an norepinephrine, Polish style. Differences do attract.

southernThreads: 116 Posts: 10,959 Joined: May 17, 07 ♂	Feb 8, 11, 22:04 #19
Lodz_The_Boat: Perhaps if you were a Latin girl, if you were Asian, even if you were a black ... then perhaps you were "that" difference which would make him be interested in you. This is bullsh1t and I call polish men to confirm that.

♀

Feb 9, 11, 01:23 #20

grubas:

I think you are a crazy person,seriously

I think it is crazy to "diagnose" a person as crazy from one or two posts.

In Poland we do not usually end our letters to friends with "Yours". By "Yours" we mean something more than friendship or a very special friendship. But I've noticed that poeple in England do that. Or end a birthday card to a workmate with "Love", which used to look a bit out of the blue to me.

southern:

This is bullsh1t and I call polish men to confirm that.

Agreed

PennBoyThreads: 157 Posts: 3,443 Joined: Dec 7, 08 ♂	Feb 9, 11, 01:56 #21
Sojourn: Is it common for Polish men to ignore women they are not interested in? It common for any men to ignore women they're not interested in. If he's ignoring you maybe he's just one of them emotional ppl and is mad about something, but really likes you.

Sojourn

Feb 9, 11, 05:14 #22

pkl123: I will try to let it go.
[the word disillusioned] His words helped to break the enchantment. I don't think it was just lust, though I was very attracted to him. I felt safe and enjoyed by him. Maybe another description would be that I fell into a delusional fantasy of a relationship with him sparked simply from being near this wonderful Polish man. I had no idea Polish men were so intriguing.

I am wondering if silence is common in Poland when love is offered, but unwanted, stemming out of your Polish wedding customs. I am thinking of the part in the wedding customs where there is either a sharing of vodka, or, the poor bloke (I am not Australian, but it sounded good) is served watermelon and the object of his affection never even graces him with her presence. When I'm not interested in a man's advances, I try to tell him early, and quick, so as not to lead him on and cause him as little anguish as possible, but that is just me.

My question was not about understanding the English language, but about how the English language might be used differently in Poland, therefore creating misunderstandings when communicating. This could be a painful misunderstanding. I think some folks have kindly shed some light on the use of the word "molest" and what it means when Polish people end a letter with "Yours." For this I am grateful. Do not mistake my openness and vulnerability for stupidity. I do not let my children use that word. And besides, "I am very stupid about many things," my Calculus teacher used to say; i.e. I'm smart as hell about this though.

pk123 I am, in fact, not crazy, but I am saying that love sometimes makes us feel crazy and do even crazier things. And, by the way, Polish is a very difficult language to learn.

I am ok pk123, being O.K. has to do with resting in the hands of God, though I was very hurt to discover that I man I am trying to love thinks I molested him? Thanks for shedding some light on this guys; he was deeply offended by my pursuit of him.

pk123 I am just impressed that you took the time to read my thread and respond, regardless of your abrupt comments.

♂

Edited by: Lodz_The_Boat Feb 9, 11, 05:20 #23

chichimera:

Poland we do not usually end our letters to friends with "Yours"

Maybe you dont. English is not Poland's first language by the way :). And hey, he has always been completely clear to her, and thus it is common sense that the "yours truly ... or yours" is nothing but bring friendly and respectful (or warm). It is not rocket science, unless you want to make it that way.

chichimera:

Agreed

Are you from 1900? ... the Polish girl can have other interests, not the Polish man eh? ... oh by the way ... congrats on your agreement with our forum pride :D (in the most ironical ways).

♀

Feb 9, 11, 05:27 #24

Sojourn:

Finally he sends this message:
"I want you to stop writing. I don't want to receive your mails any more.
You are molesting me.
I'm hapyy in a relationship with a woman I love."

It's always hard to tell the tone of someone's "voice" in an email. It sounds like a polite email with a simple request. He's in a relationship and doesn't want to receive emails from you anymore.

The word molesting simply means "bothering" in other countries. It's not the same thing as child molestation in the U.S.

My advice is to look at his email again and see that it's not hostile. It's polite.

Sojourn	Feb 9, 11, 05:48 #25
Jane Doe, Certainly not looking for a "rebound boy." You know you wouldn't want that either. Seems like if I used him to feel better, he would be a little easier to get over than this. I did not seek him out, it just happened.

♀

Feb 9, 11, 05:59 #26

Lodz_The_Boat:

chichimera: Poland we do not usually end our letters to friends with "Yours"
Maybe you dont. English is not Poland's first language by the way :). And hey, he has always been completely clear to her, and thus it is common sense that the "yours truly ... or yours" is nothing but bring friendly and respectful (or warm). It is not rocket science, unless you want to make it that way.

chichimera: Agreed
Are you from 1900? ... the Polish girl can have other interests, not the Polish man eh? ... oh by the way ... congrats on your agreement with our forum pride :D (in the most ironical ways).

AGREED.
Does it look better to you? :)

♀

Feb 9, 11, 06:58 #27

Sojourn:

When I'm not interested in a man's advances, I try to tell him early, and quick, so as not to lead him on and cause him as little anguish as possible, but that is just me.

I am the same and so are many people. Being assertive is more of an American thing then Polish. Often Polish people are not very assertive and don't know how to draw the line in the sand, until it is too late. He might have felt flattered by your attention initially, but then he either got into relationship, or was already married and as far as I am concerned he have led you on a little bit. Polish men are the pursuers and the woman has to wait, so two things happened: one that you seem to pursue him, which is acceptable in the American culture, another one that he was flattered, maybe even interested, yet confused by the gender role change. Just my two cents. You seem like a person who has feet planted on the ground and I don't think you are crazy at all, just asking questions because you want to be honest with yourself.

All the best and keep your heart open:)

Pinching PeteThreads: 1 Posts: 1,111 Joined: Feb 23, 08 ♂	Feb 9, 11, 07:15 #28
aphrodisiac: I don't think you are crazy at all I don't think she's crazy either.. Just got infatuated. No big deal.

Ashleys mindThreads: 7 Posts: 1,346 Joined: Nov 2, 10 ♀	Feb 9, 11, 07:53 #29
It only looks like infatuation because it wasn't reciprocated... it would be love, and look perfectly normal otherwise... ;) Give the girl a break... she sought something her heart desired... no harm in that. Bounce back babe, 'tis all you can do... :)

♂

Feb 9, 11, 12:09 #30

aphrodisiac:

He might have felt flattered by your attention initially

Yeah sure ... he might've been from Jupiter!

aphrodisiac:

but then he either got into relationship, or was already married and as far as I am concerned he have led you on a little bit

Someone remains silent and doesn't reply, hoping that he/she would not have to hurt anybody and that other person would eventually get tired and leave on its on ... is ACTUALLY LEADING the woman into him! ... whoa what a theory! Wonderful!

Someone talks with respect and a smile on a trip with a foreigner ... infact he is hitting on her!

Wow ... theories I see :D

But I do hope it makes her feel terrific! But then I guess she'll have to keep herself in yet another illusion.

aphrodisiac:

Just my two cents.

:) :P

As I see it, he was blunt accurate in what he wanted to say. He is a true honest individual ... he gave her time to go out of this herself, but eventually have to come out and TELL HER STRONGLY TO "STOP!".

He has a relationship ... he chose this for himself. And there is no confusion in him, only in this woman you can find the oceans of confusion. More interestingly, she wants to remain in confusion with some "theory" which would perhaps save her some illusions.

aphrodisiac:

You seem like a person who has feet planted on the ground

Some grounds are skiddy ... she must plant the feet on meaningful and solid ground. Anyways its her life ... but then as for the man, well I'm really impressed by his integrity. These are the kind of men that make our land proud. Well these men certainly don't deserve women who do not know the value of integrity.

aphrodisiac:

just asking questions because you want to be honest with yourself.

To try and tell herself "No I didn't molest him! I am the good one! He is the cruel one!". Well, you may buy it ... but it doesn't have to be truth.

By the way this is also known as stalking. Usually used by women in their favor to accuse some men who show "extra" interest in them. But when its the other way round "its nothing so wrong dear ... you are just fine!" ... whatever!

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