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Difficult situation with moving

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posts: 37

agirlfromoz

Feb 5, 11, 04:45 #1

Hey All,

My polish writing isn't that good, so I'll just stay safe with English...

Here's my thing... I come from Australia, lived in Poland for 7 years met a guy here and then moved back to Oz to complete my studies and saw him during my summer breaks. 3 years ago I moved back here for him and got married 2 years ago. Before we got married we decided that we will apply for a partner visa for him to come live permanently in Oz. He said that that is what he wants. 2 years have passed and he hasn't even got a valid passport, he's never looked at the Aussie government website to even check what he has to get done to apply for the visa. A few months ago, I cracked it at him for doing nothing and not keeping his promise, and a week after our fight (where his argument was lack of time - my arse! I supported him for 1.5 years!) he asked me to print out the application form. Now, 4 months later, the form is still where he put it after I gave it to him, and nothing is done.

Oh, and another thing, while I was in Oz, i organised a tourist visa and a ticket to come visit while he had his summer break, and one week before coming he backed out usuing some lame family excuse that turned out not to be true, but I let it slide hoping that he did have a legitimate reason.

Therefore, I decided to move back without him, and see if that will be a good enough wake up call.

What are your opinions on this?

Cheers!

PS. He has barely any friendly contact with his family here and no career prospects, Uni long gone finished... What is his problem?

♂

Feb 5, 11, 09:47 #2

agirlfromoz:

What are your opinions on this?

Sounds like he doesn't want to move to Oz and instead of talking to him about it you are becoming frustrated.

agirlfromoz:

Therefore, I decided to move back without him, and see if that will be a good enough wake up call.

Ultimatums are a poor substitute for communication.

agirlfromoz:

What is his problem?

Seriously how are we supposed to know, you married him.
Talk to him.

agirlfromoz

Feb 5, 11, 10:57 #3

I have spoken to him numerous times... Everytime he says that he is SURE that he wants to move...
My problem is not with communication, it is with the whole "all talk, no action", I just don't know what else to do, and Poland is definately not for me. It's a beautiful place, just not a place I would want to stay, and if he told me from the start that he wasn't going to go through with this, I wouldn't have had the wedding.

SeanBMThreads: 41 Posts: 8,727 Joined: Mar 10, 08 ♂	Feb 5, 11, 10:58 #4
agirlfromoz: Everytime he says that he is SURE that he wants to move... If he is so SURE, why isn't he doing anything about it?

wildroverThreads: 180 Posts: 8,188 Joined: Jun 7, 07 ♂	Feb 5, 11, 12:11 #5
Sounds to me that he does not have any guts at all.....? Too afraid to make a commitment to be with his wife....

MEMBER ♂

Edited by: Wroclaw Boy Feb 5, 11, 12:19 #6

Theres something hes not telling you, you need to be patient and understanding and perhaps he will say.

I'm a great believer in you cannot convince somebody to do something they don't want, you need to install the desire. Its similar with smokers for example all the threats in the world will not help them quit only make it worse, they need to realise on their own, you can help with the correct words.

♀

Edited by: Ashleys mind Feb 6, 11, 01:18 #7

So let me get this straight... the guy has never stepped foot in *your* country...? Lame!

I'm afraid he won't budge girlfriend... Poles can be lazy too! (And thick headed...) the fact is you know what he's missing... but try telling him that!

You choose.. him or home? You married on the basis of the life you thought you'd have together. The future you both agreed on...? It's not fair that he isn't keeping his word. He has gotten too comfortable with you being there for him.

I had a similar problem... didn't marry thankfully, but there was always anticipation of spouse moving back to Aus with me after I had finished my studies, and that was agreed (and also one of the reasons I completed my studies in Europe...)
Yet he never showed any interest in the place (everything was about his country... Poland...) and when the time came, I was filling in the paper work for him! This was after 6 years of waiting...

Poles are very stuck on the place. If he won't budge then he's not ready to commit to a life with you if it means he has to sacrifice anything back home (which it sounds like you have done for him...) f*ck him. This has caused enough grievance for you... if he won't keep up his end of the bargain, how's he going to be with other situations where you have *both* come to an agreement about something? He'll be f*cking you around and wasting your time...

''You've been cheated oh so blind you laid it on the line, those twisted words of time...''

You want different things fundamentally... you can't give up everything for him indefinitely... that's not a relationship. And if he won't do for you what you have done for him then maybe there's some underlying malfunction with your marriage (sorry). There *has* to be an element of wanting the same things...

Tough and painful situation no doubt. But just cause he's European or Polish does not mean he knows what's best for both of you... and you can see where his prospects and commitments there extend for him... (not much of a go-getter is he?)

If you keep going the way you are your relationship will remain dictated by *his* wants... you are right to come back here and wait for him to decide once and for all what he's going to do about his word... Then *you* can take the next step. Cause *you* need to know one way or the other...

SeanBM:

Ultimatums are a poor substitute for communication.

Yes but it seems in this case, she is being lied to...

Question: Do you love him?

NomadatNetThreads: 6 Posts: 1,492 Joined: Mar 28, 09 ♂	Feb 6, 11, 02:30 #8
agirlfromoz: visa Contact your government to cancel the visa.

guesswhoThreads: 23 Posts: 3,326 Joined: Mar 17, 10 ♀	Feb 6, 11, 03:04 #9
agirlfromoz: What are your opinions on this? why do you even care what others think about your relationship?

ShawnHThreads: 9 Posts: 3,056 Joined: Jul 2, 09 ♂	Feb 6, 11, 03:13 #10
guesswho: why do you even care what others think about your relationship? Well that's mean. She came here looking for advice, and you give her grief. I think he can't or won't cut the apron strings from his family.

♂

Feb 6, 11, 03:23 #11

wildrover:

Too afraid to make a commitment to be with his wife....

What would you say if he was a brown guy. When I read your comment, I immediately looked up the posters topic again and tried to change the "polish" (which is termed as nothing but White to you) into a brown character. After that things started to look so different in the posts below.

Anyways ...

agirlfromoz:

stay safe with English...

Stay safe girl. He might not be interested in you at all. I feel you need to check whether he is completely honest to you back home either.

Its not unheard of, such issues. My friend lives in USA, and he is not the most honest person in America. Some people use others for their purposes, which are not everytime romantic. Also, not always are these purposes for the residency. Sometimes they might even be just for fun.

After reading your topic post, I am surprised that you are still in two minds. While it all seems so clear to me that you are getting cheated.

♀ [Suspended]

Feb 6, 11, 03:33 #12

Lodz_The_Boat:

Jez, Łódzki, do you have to bring race to EVERY fricking thread?

Lodz_The_Boat:

Stay safe girl.

She's not in any danger. She's got herself a hubby who is not interested in living in Australia while she thought he will be jumping at the opportunity. That's all.

guesswhoThreads: 23 Posts: 3,326 Joined: Mar 17, 10 ♀	Feb 6, 11, 04:28 #13
ShawnH: Well that's mean. She came here looking for advice, and you give her grief. no I don't. I actually gave her the best advice one could really give her and that is to keep her privacy to herself. It's not like anyone on PF will really try or will be able to help her.

Albert Paca	Feb 6, 11, 05:38 #14
wildrover: Sounds to me that he does not have any guts at all.....? Too afraid to make a commitment to be with his wife.... Yeah, the guy in the story is like the exact opposite of you.

♂

Edited by: mafketis Feb 6, 11, 10:55 #15

I think once more, country music has the answer to one of life's problems

to be a little less flip. Don't pay attention to what people say, pay attention to what they do.

Seen that way, he's being completely clear about what he wants - to not live in Australia (though for some reason he doesn't want to say it out loud). Nonetheless the message is right out there and completely unambiguous. You need a truck to hit you? He no goee Ozee.

And the desire and determination to live on separate continents really does seem like a deal breaker when it comes to staying married.

Divorce him and go back to Australia.

Wroclaw BoyThreads: 57 Posts: 5,478 Joined: Jul 3, 09 MEMBER ♂	Feb 6, 11, 12:37 #16
mafketis: Divorce him and go back to Australia. and you should hang yourself. Dont be silly you cant possibly say the above without gaining more information.

warszawskiThreads: 60 Posts: 2,389 Joined: May 21, 10 ♂	Feb 6, 11, 12:44 #17
agirlfromoz: if he told me from the start that he wasn't going to go through with this, I wouldn't have had the wedding. Maybe you got married for the wrong reasons. Marriage is about love and spending your life together, NOT visas and passport. Looks like it is back firing in your face.

Wroclaw BoyThreads: 57 Posts: 5,478 Joined: Jul 3, 09 MEMBER ♂	Feb 6, 11, 12:55 #18
warszawski: Marriage is about love and spending your life together, NOT visas and passport. From what i can gather hes happy as long as she's here in Poland with him. it sounds like a typical he married her for money scenario but i dont think thats the case. Its not a visa and passport issue as he doesn't seem to want to leave Poland.

Lodz_The_BoatThreads: 58 Posts: 2,314 Joined: Sep 7, 08 ♂	Feb 6, 11, 13:01 #19
Wroclaw Boy: Its not a visa and passport issue as he doesn't seem to want to leave Poland. Its another secret issue ... :) Its the issue of heart ... its the issue of soul ... :)

♂

Feb 6, 11, 13:08 #20

Wroclaw Boy:

it sounds like a typical he married her for money scenario but i dont think thats the case. Its not a visa and passport issue as he doesn't seem to want to leave Poland.

WB, I can't speak for people I don't know, but if I was in my twenties and presented with the opportunity Aus V PL, I would need about twenty seconds to choose the first option. I have travelled the world and the only place oust side of Europe I would have considered long term was Aus, especially Perth WA. The only reason we decided against Aus was because of my wife and her close ties to the family, the distance was just too great for her.

I was having this conversation with a member of the family last week, he has a specialist IT background and is being offered jobs in Europe,USA and Asean region. My advice to him was get a job in Aus if you can.

♀

Edited by: Ashleys mind Feb 6, 11, 13:26 #21

warszawski:

Maybe you got married for the wrong reasons. Marriage is about love and spending your life together, NOT visas and passport. Looks like it is back firing in your face.

Don't be an arse. Marriage is about *both* parties and the dreams they both share... not some lazy arse procrastinator too unsure of himself to make an adult move to be with his wife.

And girlfriend... don't come here for advice... you'll only hear more b*llshit from Polish men too attached to mummy and concealed with Polish male pride to see any wood for the trees.

You know what you need to do. My advice is to treat it like a band aid... Rip it off quick!

♂

Feb 6, 11, 13:35 #22

Ashleys mind:

Don't be an arse. Marriage is about *both* parties and the dreams that they share...

So lets get this straight, in your world, people get married for dreams and NOT love - spending your life together. So based on your quote you live in a world of spiraling divorce rate and single parent families. Stop giving "agirlfromoz" quick band aid solutions and focus on the real issue. How it could work for both of them.

♀

Feb 6, 11, 13:43 #23

warszawski:

Yeah my advice is... whatever she does, do it quick! Cause waiting around for him obviously isn't having the desired effect. (I think she stated this.)

And your advice is more qualified?? I mean I happen to have been in her situation (or very similar) and I *happen* to know what she's missing...

I don't know why people get married... probably because they want the wedding or because they got knocked up or something... But yeah love AND dreams are fairly inseparable...?

If I was agirlfromoz (which I am!) I'd be pretty irked, and feeling a little less than loved right about now. I mean you need dreams to keep the love alive, just like you need love to keep the dream alive...

Let's wait and see what she says about our imperfect advice shall we... I'm not claiming to have all the answers, but I do feel sorry for the girl who probably feels a bit foolish and desperate right now.

It just strikes me that Polish guys have an uncanny way of getting what they want... (Mummy's boys!)

♂

Feb 6, 11, 13:45 #24

Nothing the OP wrote indicated children and if children are involved then that changes things considerably.

But if they have no children, my advice is:

1. DON'T!!!!!!! (until you find a more likely candidate)

2. DUMP HIM AND GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA!

There's a small chance that if he's faced with a real choice between her or Poland that he'll pick her (probably not, but you never know). At any rate, a unilateral move by her will force the issue to resolution one way or the other.

♂ [Moderator]

Feb 6, 11, 14:01 #25

mafketis:

There's a small chance that if he's faced with a real choice between her or Poland that he'll pick her (probably not, but you never know). At any rate, a unilateral move by her will force the issue to resolution one way or the other.

probably what the OP wants to hear or expects to hear.

it seems to me that the OP might be looking for a backdoor. after all she is going to look damn foolish to many members of her family and friends if she returns home without him.

whatever his reasons. if he can't explain them or show some effort then he is in the wrong marriage.

agirlfromoz:

He has barely any friendly contact with his family here and no career prospects, Uni long gone finished... What is his problem?

oz is a long way to go without a career.

A N Other: forum psychologist.

♂

Edited by: warszawski Feb 6, 11, 14:02 #26

Ashleys mind:

And your advice is more qualified??

Firstly, I have not given any advice, 'I don't know agirlfromoz' personally, therefore I am not in the position to offer any advice. Based on my experience of being married to a Pole, I understand the cultural differences can take time to work through. In some case it may be an hour in other cases a life time, there is no rule. What I would say, if people get married for the right reasons, it is worthwhile, working at, to find the right solution. Based on my experience I could have found reasons/excuses to throw in the towel, many times over the years, I have seen many marriages fail that should have worked, ONLY if the couples had discussed their problems and found solutions.

♀

Edited by: Ashleys mind Feb 6, 11, 14:03 #27

Wroclaw:

oz is a long way to go without a career.

So's Poland.

warszawski:

I understand that the cultural differences can take time to work through. If some case that could be an hour in other cases a life time, there is no rule.

And there are nooo immigrants here from European countries...? The country's full of them! The Euro-Aussies (Aussie-Euros - whatever!) didn't spring from the ground!

Australian's living abroad have to adapt too... maybe we're just better at it! If you can only be a man when you're living down the road from mummy, then you're not worthy of your wife's devotion...

warszawski:

I have seen many marriages fail that could have worked, IF the couples had discussed their problems and found solutions.

And some things aren't meant to work... no biggy! Why are marriages so sacrosanct? I mean we don't hold on to a business that's going down the gurgler or a President that shows ineffectual leadership... As far as I'm concerned we've all got a right to live and be happy... A few chances then you're out!

People *and* hearts have their limits. People are just afraid of saying goodbye.

♂

Feb 6, 11, 14:07 #28

Ashleys mind:

you'll only hear more b*llshit from Polish men too attached to mummy

Whats wrong in being respectful and caring towards ones parents?

Mothers are with love and respect. While Poles who have both their parents getting old, will like to take care ... are the best men which perhaps are not available everywhere?

Oh no... let me guess ... some people will fall in love with a Pole she got in the bar! ... or a nightclub! In a drunk situation ... BUT NO NEVER the good one who works hard and is caring to his parents, or has a good family background!

I think those men who have it ... should also not go for women who don't know how to value it :)

♀

Edited by: Ashleys mind Feb 6, 11, 14:16 #29

Lodz_The_Boat:

Whats wrong in being respectful and caring towards ones parents?

Nothing! But then probably not best to shack up with an Aussie bird from the other side of the world who might also have similar ideas about being near and caring for her family...

Caring for family is not the monopoly of the Poles... If they knew this then they would respect that we *all* have obligations to be near our families, and would try to work out a solution that best serves *both* parties in a mature and sensitive way... This brother's just being selfish. I doubt whether he cares for anyone...

It *just* becomes an excuse sometimes I fear. And the OP has stated that her husband has no obvious family commitments that she would obviously respect were they apparent... so she evidently knows a thing or two about how Poles operate on this level.

♂

Edited by: Lodz_The_Boat Feb 6, 11, 14:19 #30

Why dont the OP come to Poland! ... We will welcome this person! ... This person can be a part of the Polish family!

What is so special in Australia? ... Economy???

As I said... from the beginning ... its about hearts and souls :)

They need to come to a conclusion. It should've been the right thing to do before marriage. Both the parties have messed it up equally!

What is so different in an Oz that is not in a Polish girl? ... Or a girl anywhere from Europe? Why she thinks she is speciality? If she really wishes to be special, she must come Poland and not force him to shy away from his responsibilities perhaps which is keeping him back home.

Slowly now it seems I am respecting him alot :)

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