Fell in love; I need to go back to Poland for 2 months

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Nov 2, 10, 02:11 #1

Hi there,
I really need your help guys.
I've met someone couple of months ago on holidays in Poland and we fell in love so much that we've decided to move in together (in Poland, in his apartment). Since we've met we've been booking a flights back and forth just to see each other for a little bit. Currently I live and work in the UK (and I've got a really good job). We've set a date already which in the end of this month but lately we both got some doubts .. We don't know each other that well after all. I'm giving up my job and everything in here to move in with him and I can't help wonder what if we both will realize that was a big mistake?? That will be ME left with nothing..
So I'm thinking that maybe we should give this a try for about 2 months and then we'll both see if this is working for us. If it will the choice is going to be really easy but if it won't I'd like to come back and get my life in here back. Which means that I'd like to go back to my current job (which I like pretty much by the way). So to arrange that I'd need to take an unpaid holidays or give a medical certificate of temporary work disability or something..or maybe should I just tell a truth and hope for understanding.. ??? What should I do???? I'd really love to be with him (and I'm ready to sacrifice everything to do so) but in a worst scenario I'd like to have a place to go back to (I mean my job mainly). What should I say at work then???? Please help me coz my brain is in a whirl.. :(

jT81Threads: 4 Posts: 7 Joined: Aug 4, 10 ♂	Nov 2, 10, 02:36 #2
Danka100: but lately we both got some doubts .. We don't know each other that well after all. Really?! No kidding!

Danka100Threads: 1 Posts: 10 Joined: Nov 2, 10 ♀	Nov 2, 10, 02:43 #3
I know this is crazy idea..but i've been waiting my whole life for someone like him. Please give me an advise don't judge me.

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Nov 2, 10, 03:00 #4

Danka100:

I know this is crazy idea..but i've been waiting my whole life for someone like him. Please give me an advise don't judge me.

I don't want to judge you but have a few questions. I assume you're Polish (your screen name) and that you speak Polish, correct? Have you lived in Poland before? Also, I think both of you are pretty young? If so, have you been in a long-term relationship before? I think it'd be easier for me to tell you what I'd do if I was in your shoes (ps. no high-heels for me :)

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Nov 2, 10, 03:00 #5

Danka100:

I know this is crazy idea..but i've been waiting my whole life for someone like him. Please give me an advise don't judge me.

You are not being judged.

I can understand why you feel confused right now. Love is blind.

My recommendation to you is to wait it out at least a couple more months and make a decision when the time is right, and when you are at better understanding of one another. To quit a job over a lover/partner/friend and leave a country in which you began establishment...no thanks, not for me. Maybe I am too practical.

Frankly, you two have not been dating long enough. That is my personal opinion and I'm sure someone else will counteract it. Like I said, give it more time. No excuses, no lies, just time.

Plus, you're already in the UK and settled into a good job (which you like). You state that "in worst case scenario I'd like to have a place to go back to." Really? Think about what you said.

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Edited by: Danka100 Nov 2, 10, 03:09 #6

skysoulmate:

I assume you're Polish (your screen name) and that you speak Polish, correct? Have you lived in Poland before? Also, I think both of you are pretty young? If so, have you been in a long-term relationship before?

Yes I'm Polish and I do speak Polish. I lived in Poland my whole life. But 4 years ago I moved to England and have been working very hard to get where I am. I'm 27 and I feel like settle down. I want husband a kid in a year or two..I've been in long-term relationship before (for almost 4 years).

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Edited by: Chicago Pollock Nov 2, 10, 05:50 #7

Danka100:

I know this is crazy idea..but i've been waiting my whole life for someone like him. Please give me an advise don't judge me.

Please give me an advise don't judge me

Infatuation or love? You don't know, do you?
If it's meant to be (love) it will work out without you giving up your job. I would take off weekends and holiday time to visit but I wouldn't give up my job, just yet (infatuation). Especially since it's a good job that you like.

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Edited by: skysoulmate Nov 2, 10, 06:23 #8

Well Danka, you won't like my advice by you want us to be honest with you so here's my take on it.

First of all, I'm a man, a decade or so older than you and divorced so take my advice grano salis or with a grain of salt because obviously I don't know crap about relationships.

I almost hate giving you any advice because you're in such a wonderful stage of your life and I don't want to ruin that. Yet the fact you're wondering if you're making the right choice tells me #1 you're smart and #2 you aren't 100% sure.

So having said all that...

To answer your question, NO, I would NOT give up your job because you guys barely know each other. God knows that love is the most wonderful feeling one can ever dream of, yet you shouldn't just quit your job and move back to Poland "...because love is the saddest thing when it goes away..." (Once I Loved by Astrud Gilberto)

...and yes, there's always the risk that it might happen and if so you'll regret giving up a job you loved for a dream that never materialized.

Now, you can still make it happen but do not simply quit your job but rather look into the possibility of taking a Leave of Absence or something similar. I like honesty but in this case I wouldn't share too much with your employer, instead I'd say "I have some family obligations I have to take care of and would like to take a 2-4 months Leave of Absence" or something similar. Then see if he really is the Prince Charming you think he is or if there's a frog hiding there somewhere; hopefully he's 100% Prince Au Naturel. (I'm talking about his personality young lady :)

What are the chances of him moving with you back to the UK? Maybe after 2 months you both will be totally set on a future together and decide to go back to Britain together? Whatever the two of you decide is fine as long as it's a mutual decision and you need a back-up plan (your job) just in case. A plan I hope you'll never need to utilize.

Here's a quote for you both:

"Love isn't finding a perfect person.
It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly." (Sam Keen)

Good luck to you!

Wroclaw BoyThreads: 57 Posts: 5,478 Joined: Jul 3, 09 MEMBER ♂	Nov 2, 10, 09:15 #9
Make him come to you, see how keen he is.

aphrodisiacThreads: 22 Posts: 3,998 Joined: Apr 15, 09 ♀	Nov 2, 10, 09:19 #10
Wroclaw Boy: Make him come to you, see how keen he is. agree.

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Nov 2, 10, 09:34 #11

aphrodisiac:

Here's a quote for you both:

"Love isn't finding a perfect person.
It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly." (Sam Keen)

I have another one for you.....

"Love isn’t finding someone you can live with....
.....its finding someone you can’t live without."

Danka

I'm at work right now. To offer some advice based on my experiences would take some time and i'm very busy but i will try later today.

MaybeThreads: 7 Posts: 335 Joined: Dec 16, 08 ♂	Nov 2, 10, 10:38 #12
Don't go anywhere...keep your job. Why can't he move to you?

HarryThreads: 62 Posts: 8,508 Joined: May 2, 07 ♂ [Suspended]	Nov 2, 10, 10:56 #13
Wroclaw Boy: Make him come to you, see how keen he is. What he said.

♂

Edited by: jwojcie Nov 2, 10, 11:24 #14

I used to not engage in social threads, but lets give a try to that one :-)

From romantic perspective I think that in the long run only those wild decisions and events matters. I mean in ten, twenty, thirty years you will not rememember even what was the main project you are involved right now, but quite possibly you will remember this love affair. The thing is it will be the best time of your life or the worst one... No one knows how it will go...

From practical perspective, well if you have couple of months behind you I think you can try this:
- choose a place: his or yours
- get a two-three week leave, both of you but not entire at the same time, maybe one week which covers.
that way you should have about one month together without risk of job loss.

A month should be enough to make some judgments. And maybe something nice or horrific to remember ;)

MEMBER ♀

Nov 2, 10, 12:48 #15

If you could have kids and marry your job, I would recommend you that option.

Since it's not possible to multiply with your occupation or to have family or emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship neither with your office, nor with money you will earn, I think that living being like a nice guy you met looks like more serious option to achieve your goals :))

Even if you would split up you would still have nice memories about that period of your life.

This is my personal opinion.

stop the earth i want to get off

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Nov 2, 10, 13:59 #16

Here's my take Danka, if you get into a realtionship with a negative notion you're only doing yourself a bad favour. This will affect you a lot and you'll just end up doing what your selfish self desires and in this case means going back to your boring lonely life. A relationship's about sacrifies and i believe your boyfriend who is here in Polska (if he truly loves you) would never have a problem moving up to be with you. You're quite smart and are at a very crucial stage in your life and i'm sure you don't wanna give up what u have worked hard for for the past 4years. So honesty is the key, and if you guys sit down and discuss this you'll find an amicable solution to your dilemma.If he's worth it and he values you then go for it. No matter how much advice we will give you here, the final decision's yours. You'll never get to experience it unless you try....

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Nov 2, 10, 14:02 #17

skysoulmate:

What are the chances of him moving with you back to the UK?

None. I've tried that already. He's got a pretty good job out there as well.. He is a commercial representative and it took him about 4 years to establish his business relations, besides his parents are in a retiring age and they need him around (he is the only child). Family is very important to him so he will never decide to come over here. instead he wants to start up a family with me. At least that what he has been telling me before the doubts occurred..
Thank you for a beautiful quote by the way.

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Nov 2, 10, 14:26 #18

jwojcie:

get a two-three week leave, both of you but not entire at the same time, maybe one week which covers.that way you should have about one month together without risk of job loss.

That would be the best option. I'd like to give this a try. He's on a sick leave at the moment. At this point I could try to go there for a week only (coz I live with a girl who will be moving out in the end of this month as well) but will that be long enough to get everything sorted?

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Nov 2, 10, 16:30 #19

Just too funny...

1) or give a medical certificate of temporary work disability - you mean as in "get a doctor to lie in writing to your employer about a non-existing medical condition that supposedly prevents you from working so you can shack up with your new boyo"?

I'd fire you on the spot if I was your boss.

You are actually giving hard working Polish people a very bad name. It is 2 months we are talking about here, not calling in sick on a monday morning due to bad weather.

2) It is time to **** or get off the pot. Either one of you quits your job and moves to the other one's country of residence or this thing continues on for a while, then dies from natural causes.

Tertium non datur.

If you're expecting your employer to pay up in any shape or form for your love life and arising aspirations you'll be crudely awoken by reality, honey.

3) Purely pragmatically, if you met the lad "a couple months ago", then quitting your job and moving to another country to be with him is pure nuttery.

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Nov 2, 10, 17:14 #20

Dear Danka100!

First of all, calm down. I mean it.

Then get yourself a bottle of vodka or whatever is your poison, prepare a glass, take a deep breath, and ask yourself a few questions.

Whose life are you living? Yours or his?
Why is his job more important than yours?
Why should you believe this is the only time his business is more important than yours?
What do you know about him anyway? List 50 items, include no more than 10 likes/dislikes
Exactly how long do you know him?
What chances do you have of getting a decent job in Poland, with or without him?
Do you WANT to live in Poland, without him?
Do you WANT to give up your current job you say you've worked so hard to get?
Do you absolutely adore his parents? (if he wants to take care of them so badly, expect one big family sooner rather than later)
List 1o of his biggest flaws.

Simply answering those questions should help you. But in case you still have doubts, do it again, following this routine:
Every time you feel like including words and phrases like "i don't know/i'm not sure", "fate", "but i love him", "once in a lifetime", "we will SOMEHOW sort it out" or "shouldn't worry in advance" in your answer, take a shot. Take additional shot for every of the 50 items and 10 flaws you failed to come up with.

If by the end of this game you're not drunk, you can go.

On a side note, personally I would wait at least half a year longer anyway. There's internet, there are cheap flights, and you're still young, do the favor to your future kids and check the potential daddy thoroughly.

MEMBER ♀

Edited by: pgtx Nov 2, 10, 17:20 #21

Danka100:

see each other for a little bit

Danka100:

We don't know each other that well after all

Danka100:

I've got a really good job

Danka100:

we both got some doubts

Danka100:

That will be ME left with nothing..

take it easy... you don't know him well, you love your job... don't rush things so you won't make a mistake...

Danka100:

So I'm thinking that maybe we should give this a try for about 2 months and then we'll both see if this is working for us. If it will the choice is going to be really easy but if it won't I'd like to come back and get my life in here back. Which means that I'd like to go back to my current job (which I like pretty much by the way).

it's a good idea...

Danka100:

What should I do????

family emergency 2 months leave... after that you go back to work or move to Polandia...

just my 5c.... good luck!

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Nov 2, 10, 17:27 #22

You say you both have some doubts...what are his doubts if he hasn't anything to give up? I definitely think you both need more time, as time will tell whether any of this feels like a sacrifice. It will either fizzle out or will grow deeper and stronger as the months go by. Why not set a date six months or more in the future? My husband and I took the time until we could even meet for the first time to get to know one another with letters, phone calls and emails (almost a year). By the time we finally met, it wasn't as much a sacrifice for him to leave it all behind. Even with all that time, and three months together to get to know each other, an additional four months that he had to return to finalize a few monetary obligations, we still ended up having a few problems in the beginning of our marriage. The one thing that always held us through was our mutual respect and love for each other (soppy gooey love stuff)
So if six months down the road you still worry about your "sacrifice", then you just aren't ready. You should NOT sacrifice your integrity concerning your job! Good luck Danka100!

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Nov 2, 10, 18:49 #23

Midas:

or give a medical certificate of temporary work disability - you mean as in "get a doctor to lie in writing to your employer about a non-existing medical condition that supposedly prevents you from working so you can shack up with your new boyo"?

Just to let you know I hate to lie, but this is my life we're talking about and the dilemma is obvious. In the end I'd like to stay with at least one 'thing' I love..my man or a job...and not to be left with nothing at all.

MidasThreads: 2 Posts: 788 Joined: Jul 19, 10 ♂	Edited by: Midas Nov 2, 10, 21:25 #24
^^ That's all fine and dandy and I know that in Poland employees **** both their employers and the national social services ( ZUS ) on a daily basis by faking medical conditions, but please for the love of all that's good and pure - don't bring these "customs" to the UK.

pgtxThreads: 49 Posts: 6,327 Joined: Feb 14, 09 MEMBER ♀	Nov 2, 10, 21:36 #25
Midas: I know that in Poland employees **** both their employers and vice versa... Midas: don't bring these "customs" to the UK. gotta be kidding me... oh, how pure minded the Brits are... please, give me a break, would you...

dtaylor5632Threads: 49 Posts: 4,459 Joined: May 2, 09 ♂	Nov 2, 10, 21:37 #26
pgtx: gotta be kidding me... oh, how pure minded the Brits are... please, give me a break, would you... Hey, I haven't had a sick day in like EVER!

pgtxThreads: 49 Posts: 6,327 Joined: Feb 14, 09 MEMBER ♀	Nov 2, 10, 21:38 #27
dtaylor5632: I haven't had a sick day in like EVER! yeah, no wonder, you like to spend your time among crazy people...

dtaylor5632Threads: 49 Posts: 4,459 Joined: May 2, 09 ♂	Nov 2, 10, 21:40 #28
pgtx: you like to spend your time among crazy people Charming!

AtoshaThreads: 5 Posts: 63 Joined: Oct 19, 10 ♀	Nov 2, 10, 22:29 #29
Time is the master, if you are both meant to be together it will happen but please don't lie to your boss about being ill. Why don't you take some unpaid leave to see him and he can do the same. I hope it all works out for you.

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Nov 2, 10, 23:16 #30

Atosha:

don't lie to your boss about being ill.

That is very good advice, why should your company and your colleagues bear the burden/cost of your decision. Here is my take,

1. You know Polish reality.
2. By moving you are being subservient to his needs, not a good foundation for a relationship, in the case of disagreements, you will always remind him that it was you, that moved for him.
3. Is he prepared to support you financially or does he have the financial capability to support you.
4. If you were to have a baby, would it be more beneficial for the baby to be born in the Uk or PL from a financial point of view?
5. How will he assist you in finding a new job in PL?
6. How will you feel taking a large pay cut for him and how will he subsidize your loss of earnings?

You have both worked hard to achieve your professional status, you both have a quality of life and financial independence, that is going to change if one of you quits,if you want to be together, ask him to assist you in seeking out a new job in Poland and make him aware what you are doing for him, is he willing to accept this responsibility. Polish men in their 20's are great talkers, but lack on substance and responsibility, the fact he uses his parent as an emotional tool over you ,highlights this fact.

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Fell in love; I need to go back to Poland for 2 months - what to say at work (UK)