Polish professional man in interracial dating relationship...withdraws

zej

Apr 19, 10, 06:44 #1

I am an African American woman...older..middle aged..but look younger
I met a wonderful man...beautiful academic Polish man..about my age..who also looks young!

We met from an online dating site and clicked immediately online...then on the phone
and then had three dates one of which was a special lenten church service.
The connection felt intense and promising.Our first kiss was explosive.
He brought up the idea of being in an exclusive relationship...and I wanted this so much,he'd already begun acting like a boyfriend
though of course ... I had normal apprehensions about things moving so quickly,but he is so special. He has said I am special and beautiful. I loved researching Polish words to text and email him in Polish and he was very very touched.

Then shortly after the I should be your boyfriend conversation...he says something odd...he said.. "you like me ...more than I like you." I asked ...what? and demanded to know what that meant...he brushed me off..said he had to get off the phone at that point... and then almost stood me up the very next night for our Saturday night movie date. I had to call him at to find out if he was coming and then he lied and said something came up but after being prompted...confessed to feeling ...things developng more than he wanted and so quickly and he needed to regroup. We finally went out but..I felt rejected..

He kept giving mixed signals....sitting close ..then not.....not wanting to kiss ...then asking why I didn't seduce him. Now we only communicate when I initate it...Meanwhile
he's been on that online dating site ALL the time ..but not contacting me...except only to respond the few times I've timidly reached out
I continue to date others but I only want him...but of course if he's not seeking me ..
I have to move on.

It hurts. I already fell in love with him and he seems flirtatious ...but not available to me as before. I am asking him to call me to clarify once and for all... what's happening. My friend says if he is not calling ...he is letting me know what's going on. She also sas his pulling back ..is male cultural....and if I leave thngs alone...not pressure him...we could hav relationship..

plk123Threads: 30 Posts: 6,412 Joined: Aug 29, 07 ♂	Apr 19, 10, 07:09 #2
zej: I have to move on. zej: My friend says if he is not calling ...he is letting me know what's going on. don't waste another minute on him. good luck

♀

Edited by: nymph888 Apr 19, 10, 10:37 #3

zej:

My friend says if he is not calling ...he is letting me know what's going on. She also sas his pulling back ..is male cultural....and if I leave thngs alone...not pressure him...we could hav relationship..

what does this mean? if he is not calling you then you probably would have relationship? Sorry, i don't understand... would you elaborate?

It's difficult if the guy gives mixed signals... especially when you are from different countries... sometimes the meaning of his words and actions, maybe translated differently? But if you're saying that he is now back to being online all the time.... is it because he is making himself available to new relationship?? I'm not sure about this.. but .... I hope you'll get to see things clearly, or even clarified with him...

I'm also falling for a polish guy... i'm asian.. and we are still at the chatting/getting to know u stage.... it's hard cos there are times when he can joke and have fun during conversation... but after awhile, he is back into the serious mode... he is a traditional and serious guy... now, i'm even thinking, if only i can teach my heart to like someone else, i would have done it already...

bit everyone has to follow the time... except for love... For love, has it's own time.

Maybe he just need time.... so i'll give him time.... and wait.. if he can come looking for me...

Fate... we only get one chance to get it right... i don't want to lose this chance of being with someone i hold dearly.. .so I'll wait...

zej

Apr 19, 10, 15:25 #4

nymph888
my friend says when a man is not calling you ..he's letting you know he's not interested
that in not calling....that is a message in itself and as you pointed out ...by being online morever he is making himself available to others...while not contacting me ....that's hard to ignore

once when I asked during the more communicative times..how much did he care about me....he said...I care....enough
I guess he's not caring enough ..lol....right..now
I hear you about waiting when you love someone

Maybe he just need time.... so i'll give him time.... and wait.. if he can come looking for me...Fate... we only get one chance to get it right... i don't want to lose this chance of being with someone i hold dearly.. .so I'll wait...

This is a conflict...for me

I was told by my friend to wait ..also....even six months or a year! or be content being friends...until he's ready......she seems to think he DOES like me and cares
but it's ALL about him...and what he needs..
so I get angry about that idea....I wish I did'nt....but I'm thinking plk123...probably has the right sentiment......

Fuzzyduck

Apr 19, 10, 15:33 #5

Tell you what, this is becoming tedious!
The amount of women on here that don’t know they have been dumped and want to look further into it…

Ok,

You are a bit of a MILF and he thought yeah, why not… she’s certainly worth a poke.
He tried the old

zej:

He brought up the idea of being in an exclusive relationship...

Routine.
He took you out to a classy church.

Then you made the fatal mistake! “Lets get serious” even though he hasn’t been to the fish market yet!
Not good!
I would assume he’s back on the site looking for someone a little less… dare I say “frigid”

You need to go and look elsewhere… he’s not the one for you vice/versa
I am gonna have to stop this, I feel like Oprah

♀

Apr 19, 10, 15:35 #6

zej
i was told by a friend that if a guy is really interested, he will definitely try to call or see you....

yet when the relationship is one-sided, or that, if you love him more than he loves you... and if you want to wait to develop what's left... you may wait..

whatever your choice would be, love yourself first... i know that when we love someone, sometimes we forget loving ourselves first :)

good luck!

zej

Apr 19, 10, 16:34 #7

FD..I'm new on this forum....
the comment ..albeit..a generalization....of women being dumped and looking further into
that has some merit...
I guess we all process things differently.... in our own time...
maybe it took me..a minute..lol

For the record? not that it matters cas clearly you have some pyschological
disturbance/inbalance and are 'using' the post to attack..
which is cowardly imho

but whatever....anyways

he actually went to MY church..it IS classy,btw..& FD..
you might benefit from a church service or two.... lol
and he actually was the one that brought up twice being exclusive-not me
but I think you were to trying articulate through all that refuse..
that nonetheless...rushing things... only backfired the outcome..so some truth there,too.
and he actually put the brakes on physical intimacy..to go slow and
I felt the same way..

the rest of your commentary...just plain....hate
euphemism -fish market...classic misogynistic...I had to google the acronym for MILF...wow....& your ideas of humanity....ergo...the reference to oprah..
are....violent..bitter...& frightening..

NYMPH888
i was told by a friend that if a guy is really interested, he will definitely try to call or see you....

yet when the relationship is one-sided, or that, if you love him more than he loves you... and if you want to wait to develop what's left... you may wait..

whatever your choice would be, love yourself first... i know that when we love someone, sometimes we forget loving ourselves first :)

awesome...thanks..will do
and thanks plk123..

Fuzzyduck

Apr 19, 10, 16:50 #8

Wow long post, cant be arsed reading it all but I assume it is a character assassination of me as I got as far as

zej:

you have some pyschological
disturbance/inbalance and are 'using' the post to attack..
which is cowardly imho

I agree! but hey I love my job! (please it's PSYcho not PYScho)
I am just glad you took onboard some of my observations and it has now finally worked its way through that substantial skull of yours! and you now realise you are back on the scrap heap.
I am sure your god will find you a new man soon, may a suggest a rabbit till then?

Hugs and kisses,

Fuzzy x

zej

Apr 19, 10, 19:41 #9

may a suggest

it's actually may I suggest...and no..you may not!
lol..& you did a spell check...on me?

(please it's PSYcho not PYScho)

however it's misspelled...the definition remains sadly tragically the same
for you lonely bitter and I suspect ugly?...no good looking happy
confident person does what you do....refers to animals for intimacy?
that's sickness

back on the scrap heap

no-no-no ...you're Off Topic, Duck
we're not referring to your esteem level

Anyways..He and I are talking tonight to get clarity or closure
"shrug"

and in the meantime...I've been dating all along...
{we were not exclusive..just discussed it..is all }
so I will keep dating until I am exclusive~
Yah! God is good all the time...no matter what

good luck to you....too
& lighten up!
you might actually straigthen out that tiny ugly pointed head of yours,Mr Duck

hugs back :)

MEMBER ♀

Apr 19, 10, 22:01 #10

By the sounds of it you either spooked the guy or he just wasn't looking for anything 'deep'. As for coming back on the dating website where you two met and being online all the time chatting to other single women (you know he is), that kind of speaks for itself. If he wanted space and time apart but still liked you, he wouldn't blatantly get back on the dating scene, it's not like he doesn't realise that you will see what he is doing. If he wanted/cared to talk to you, trust me he would get out of his way to do so. Please try and move on, i know it's very hard and it's easy to tell someone to forget and ignore the feelings you have but you will just get hurt more if you dwell on this guy. He gave this a shot, gone to church with you and was a gentleman but he obviously didn't feel the way you started feeling and didn't want for you to get involved even more. But still it makes him quite the coward for avoiding confrontation or making it clear to you that he is not interested. His actions say so, but i think you deserve some closure. Nevertheless by the sound of it you're just not going to get that from him. That's life and you're just gonna have to accept that this is how it ends. At least you didn't get physical, and it finished early. He's just not the guy for you, but there's plenty more fish in the sea! Chin up :)

zej

Apr 20, 10, 06:29 #11

Thanks JustysiaS! Well..update...we were supposed to have a talk to clarify things.
I have to say there was some sexy text flirting last night and this morning which confused me even more...but I resolved to move on after our "goodbye" talk.
He called me..as promised...

Well...I just got off the phone with him and all I can say is....WOW.
It can be so easy to have misunderstandings ...there were BIG misunderstandings
which had nothing to do with dating other women or online or etc but his own feelings of inadequacy which did not come from me...

I honestly think... it's an innocent language barrier..and insecurities or so-called because he's worried that he does not measure up to my 'level' vocabulary because I'm a writer..
it's illogical thinking...........completely ALL IN HIS MIND ......because
(a) he is brilliant..with advanced degrees..clever.. witty..funny,intellectual and
cerebral....so it's an imagined cultural disconnect..though, I respect his feelings and
(b) I adore him wholeheartedly..and am attracted because he is brilliant

Anyways we were on the phone almost 2 hours...working it all out...being candid and
straightforward......I learned a lot about what HIS needs are...and his fears/concerns
aswell asmine ....and we promised to be honest
and also to have a 6 week moratorium on any relationship rhetoric.....
Our only agenda will be to get to know each other and to enjoy one another. tis all!
He was not in touch last week..not because of online dating but he had a rigorous work schedule ..he's a professional..but he said Friday...he's working near where I live..and it's open-ended for us to see each other :) he is being cautious...but I understand

He also brought up a reminder.. that I have a poetry reading in May ..and I assured
him...HE would be my date....and that right now other men were annoying to me because they were not him....He called me by my name....tonight in Polish!!!! :)
I hung up the phone ...very feeling cared for and desired and sought after

I'm head over heels~he is the sexy..brainiest man alive
and I'm going to study Polish poets..I want to be as close to him as possible

♂

Apr 20, 10, 07:11 #12

zej:

he actually put the brakes on physical intimacy

read: not interested

zej:

and thanks plk123..

you're` welcome.. if you have to wonder, then ain't right

zej:

Anyways..He and I are talking tonight to get clarity or closure

so, clear or even ,more muddy?

zej:

Our only agenda will be to get to know each other and to enjoy one another.

perfect

zej:

I'm head over heels~he is the sexy..brainiest man alive
and I'm going to study Polish poets..I want to be as close to him as possible

please be careful..

zej	Apr 20, 10, 19:14 #13
read: not interested brakes on after..him me kissing ALL through dinner...him blushing an explosive prolonged kiss with no table between us at my apartment door and him nearly undressing me then he stopped and said ....our first date...we're stilll getting to know each other...I agreed brakes on out of respect....not disinterest.... thanks again...

MEMBER ♀

Apr 20, 10, 19:16 #14

Please don't fall into this trap of 'taking things slow' or 'seeing how it goes'. I've been in the exact same situation and i can tell you that if a guy is unavailable and coming up with excuses - as much plausible they may sound - you could be dealing with a player. I'm not saying dump his ass, he may be genuine and honest, but don't let your guard down just yet, it really hurts when you learn to trust someone and they use it against you. Bit late for this advice now as you're obviously head over heels lol but do take care and make sure you get just as much back for what you give, and i'm talking about feelings here! As long as the communication between you two is good, and by the looks of it it is, you can get through any obstacles that might get in the way. Just watch out for the signs, watch out for the excuses, enjoy the time you spend together and make nice memories :). Good luck :).

lukaszpoznanskiThreads: 19 Posts: 78 Joined: Mar 24, 08 ♂	Apr 20, 10, 20:08 #15
zej: man in interracial dating relationship...withdraws Remember, "withdrawal" is only partially effective in preventing pregnancy, and not effective at all in preventing STDs.

Miguel ColombiaThreads: 3 Posts: 711 Joined: Apr 20, 10 ♂	Apr 20, 10, 21:33 #16
JustysiaS: I'm not saying dump his ass, I do say "dump his ass". DO IT!

zej	Apr 20, 10, 22:09 #17
I'll be on guard...I am dating other men so I'm not totally putting all the flowers in one basket

zej	Apr 21, 10, 05:14 #18
urghhhhhh!!!!!! whatever - you could be dealing with a player. he had a long intense relationship talk two nights in a row he's deleting his online dating profile (!) :-) and he's taking me out Friday...after asking me three times~

♂

Apr 21, 10, 05:35 #19

zej:

brakes on out of respect....not disinterest....

let's hope so.. still doesn't necessarily sound right to me.. i don't really know any guys who'd stop "out of respect" for a totally willing participant.. but i wasn't there and will trust you were. ;D

zej:

I'll be on guard...I am dating other men so
I'm not totally putting all the flowers in one basket

aha! so you ARE the player, eh? ;)

play on girl

JustysiaSThreads: 15 Posts: 2,869 Joined: Oct 14, 07 MEMBER ♀	Apr 21, 10, 19:14 #20
plk123: aha! so you ARE the player, eh? ;) play on girl i'll second that, play their game girl!

zej	Apr 23, 10, 18:33 #21
i don't really know any guys who'd stop "out of respect" for a totally willing participant caveat! I wasn't totally willing..though totally responsive plk123: aha! so you ARE the player, eh? ;) play on girl sigh............. I think both of us are players now..... double sigh...dont hate the player....hate the game i'll second that, play their game girl! girl..I'm tellin you

ZIMMYThreads: 10 Posts: 2,353 Joined: Feb 21, 09 ♂	Apr 23, 10, 19:15 #22
zej: I wasn't totally willing..though totally responsive Typical ************ complex. The head wants to believe in physical virtue while the body wants to boogie. I cannot count the amount of women I've dated who exemplify this.

AmathystThreads: 30 Posts: 3,968 Joined: Nov 10, 06 ♀	Apr 23, 10, 19:38 #23
zej: double sigh...dont hate the player....hate the game zej: girl..I'm tellin you Double standards sweetie?? Anyway, my advice is be clear and and honest and you cant go wrong...but a player trying to play a player will only end badly..too many head games and second guessing..

zej

Apr 25, 10, 09:36 #24

Typical ************ complex. The head wants to believe in physical virtue while the body wants to boogie

wtf.......

typical ***************complex

'physical virtue' is your bizarre fantasy......not mine
I cannot tell you the number of men I've dated
who have espoused simliar non-sense in defense of bagging
the woman right away...

smh

let's reframe what you said in MY language since it happened to ME ..and not your dates or you.....thus is MY experience and despite your dubious attempt to summarize

the head..or let's call what it is ...what differentiates us from mongrels
the BRAIN....or my brain...retains the option of choice..self control...self restraint
TRUST...mutuality...and that word you scoffed at.... VIRTUE.
let's reframe,that,too and call it ..VALUE{S}...
even as experiencing physical attraction and sensation
triggered by the erotic /chemistry /attraction between two interested parties

So...yes..I was responsive ...I'm no prude...but certainly NOT a fool either
so ..no ...not willing...not on the first date..
some would call that maturity...

especially those who've contracted STDs or unwanted babies or what else
the least of those....having one's heart broken
from thinking solely from the groin

geez loueeze

zej

Apr 25, 10, 09:45 #25

Double standards sweetie??

Anyway, my advice is be clear and and honest and you cant go wrong...but a player trying to play a player will only end badly..too many head games and second guessing..

Word.

Thanks...I like being straightforward..anyway
We went out Friday...there's no question...
he is very invested...and he's making it clear
so'm I!

for now the games...have been set aside...he tells me
he cares about me and is backing it up with his actions
I'm meeting up with another black woman who MARRIED a polish man
she lives in another state and is a touring artist like me
so she'll be in my city and we'll gab....and next time her hubby comes
she and him and me and my guy will double date~

mrs.s

Sep 10, 10, 21:24 #26

Sista to sista (and I am married to a Polish guy),

You are setting yourself up. My husband isn't a native speaker of English, but "you like me more than I like you"? Really hun, that is the same in any language. Men are men, whether they are black, white, green, or purple. Don't fall prey to the lonliness trap, it will only lead to disaster. I hate to say it, but your post sound like a 16 year old girl who doesn't know when to stop while she is ahead. Take the rose-colored glasses off, grow up and find a real man. You are being played.

Patrycja19Threads: 79 Posts: 3,974 Joined: Oct 31, 06 ♀	Sep 11, 10, 01:51 #27
mrs.s: but "you like me more than I like you"? you have a point, a valid one. if he was back on the dating site, those women might have seen him for who he really was so he came back and is now playing the game till he wins. plus he said he needed to re-roup I know I would have slammed on those brakes cause someone would be flying out my windsheild. lol

SeanBMThreads: 41 Posts: 8,727 Joined: Mar 10, 08 ♂	Sep 11, 10, 02:00 #28
zej: professional man From this day forth, when filling out a form and asked for my profession, I will write in big bold block capitals "MAN".

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